Beauty Smiles

I’ve had to stop myself many times about writing this…

Recently, I was in a relationship with someone much much younger than I am.

I’ve had my heart broken so I’ve been broken.

I was honest about this from the word go.

Due to the age difference there were alot of comprises made.

I thought~ let me give this a shot…

I explained how I am constantly so there wouldn’t be any shocking details left out.

There were always compliments, which were wonderful.

In the history of never did I expect certain things to play out as they did…

Of course I was sweet on him from the word go but things just weren’t adding up..

Things can never go well when you have to ask family members if certain behaviors are the norm for him…

Look, I’m not trying to be hurtful or mean but wtf

I kept being told research depression… so I did

If the sole problem was depression, I could handle that…

The mood swings, understandable to a degree & boy there were alot of them…

Silent treatment crap… also understandable to a degree… but when that crap gets to be a daily routine, no bueno

Hot headed temper tantrums became a constant

Silence immediately upon walking in the door… always walking around with this angry face…

But what through me over the edge was the growling through the teeth while standing over me in an disageements… now that was a game changer

I’m a pretty calm person for the most part, but when you hit certain buttons all the time… the nice Anne goes to shit…

I noticed I was constantly angry, all the time… especially at him

I already had alot of shit on my plate & for these behaviors to become normal I’d had enough.

Why is it when you are dealing with someone that has these behaviors, everyone else is to blame?

You’re constantly on alert, the ever feeling of something is going to go wrong & it lingers over you & you never know what it will be to set them off.

At 49, I think I’m pretty good at reading the writing on the wall…

I am no angel & I have huge flaws but this was too much…

The ever alluding to taking over all the bills… ummmm no sir, that never happened

The promises, oh the promises… when things are done to prevent money flow- how can there be any?

Missed days, half days… excuses out of no where… & the attitude that would ensue once the paycheck wasn’t what was required… lord

You can’t tell me that doing nice things here & there will make up for it.

While I sincerely appropriated them, it’s NOT enough & was never consistent

I’m not trying to hurt him or discredit him at all by speaking my truth…

There’s a point when you have to cut your losses & put your foot down…

I’m NOT going to air his dirty laundry but I will say this… depression & manipulation are two completely different animals.

When revealing history be mindful that time lines need to match… I got none of that.

There is absolutely no way that all these events could take place unless they started when you were 5… I’m not an idiot…

The opportunity was given to elevate… that never happened

There was always an excuse… added in with silence & hot headed temper tantrums

When is enough enough?

End game was “You better call my mom & tell her why you are doing this, I need her to know it’s not my fault!” & let’s not forget the “I’m glad you came back because I was going to clear out this mf’er”

What the bloody fuck? Is this a joke? All the I’m sorries in the world can’t fix that!

So you came here with nothing but wanna leave here grinching my shit? Fuck no!

All the days home early but pitching a fit everytime a check looks fucked up… wth

Again, Constantly talking about emptying your bank account for me… with what? Not always working a full week & ending up with poor checks… by giving 3 or 4 here & there, not so much. Did you give me money? Sure but not near what you claim….

& the loans, omg… just a mess

I’m not to blame for the loans, I kept saying please don’t get them…. just stop

On top of that, the endless posts on fb with the claims that they were “In General”

& then the verbal fb attack on my son, which he claims to love like a brother… just stop

At first we were all nice & neatly tucked under a wing & then disregarded like trash

In the end, it leaves me with “A lesson learned ” NEVER ever ignore a gut instict, follow the voice telling you strongly, this will not end well

A boom! It’s just sad!

This shit isn’t funny anymore

If you want to be useful & throw money around at least put it to things needed

They need therapy, intervention or rehabilitation, tbi studies

Get thier health issues in order

Not tinted windows or a car stereo bitch or a car & a truck paid off

It’s all fun & games flying back & forth to purchase a place in this man’s & our son’s life

You sanctimonious gargantuan tree hugging two faced baboon butt

Self serving whorish cunt

Life isn’t all sunshine, roses & daisies

Its serious af

My poor son has suffered from traumatic events & has chosen to drowned it in alcohol

Conclusion: My son needs help!

Giving him money won’t help him, you are a whole clown & I dont find this shit funny anymore

Your exsistance is a joke

In & out of town opening your pussy & your purse like a whore

If you gave one once of a shit you’d have Luis get treated for his TBI & Alex help for PTSD

Let’s get this really clear, I laugh that you throw all this money at him & Al

Could you for 2 seconds wrap your mind around the fact that money doesn’t buy love

Do something useful with it, stupid whore

Transgender looking man head, Fake ass, 17 years old mentality having, cum guzzling slut

Oh & fuck you if you dont like that….

This is my blog bitch, sit down stupid clown

Every time you eat from a plate & drink from a cup

You will remember me

I’m in all the things around you

Parts of me that you tried to erase

Since you still watch me playing tricks with you mind

I’m who you see as she opens her mouth to eat, lick or drink

You forever see me & feel me as she touches your skin

Try & forget me,…

I can be forever haunting

I may not have her style & that’s ok

The picture in your mind is enough to withstand

You will regret every action taken against me in time

I’m the one you call to sooth you each & everytime

While your claims of betrayal ensues

You silly clown

Our connection toils with you

Was it my good grace or touch of my skin?

My being that taunts you?

It can’t be washed away

I’m in your mind even as you pray

That small wiggle, or tickle that I do

Creates a vision as you think never escaping you

My essence permeates time & space

With your words you admit

Every time you call to twist a tail

I was listening & noting

I’m in your silly head

I’m not pretending or filled with delusions at all

You took your chances, yes that’s true

I’ve never been fooled by you

I stand tall

I can write, read & edit what’s left of you

I’m no angel, thats a fact

I opened my heart & gave what I had

& still only received meer pieces of you

Batman’s butler, is the name given to you

My kindness was shared without a second thought

Fight that in your memory you sorry punk ass fool..

You’re plain evil incarnate, I see…

Your excuse are sadly; your mom taught you that

Stating your dad left you

& your mom is to blame

Stand on your own

Oh that’s right, you can’t

It’s not you fault

its not in your soul to be that guy

Upstanding, wholesome & true

Your supposed to be a grown man, you’re incapable too

How could I forget that?

Constantly asking for money

From your sister, your mother & me too

It’s women like us, that put that fire in your skin willingly

Play it over in your mind, like a broke tape

Karma will always be proven

Take credit for your uselessness, or try please

We all didn’t do a damn thing

We gave & gave

You took & took

With everything you do dirty

Your father’s in his grave turning & turning

I’m not mean for sharing these things

I’m just releasing the pain you unfortunately bestowed upon me

When you ignored & blocked me

You thought it was torture

Never realizing I’d one day recover

you were not a lasting thing

I’ve grown stronger as each as the pages spill from my mind

This is my story to share with whomever

The pain left on me will fade with time

Silly rabbit, you didn’t get the best of me

Wiped completely from my mind in time

Better yet, eventually forever

There are things that happen in your life that you can’t change, so you move on…

It’s not about being vengeful or hateful…

The events may change you but the feelings still linger on.

Facing your past with full responsibility and accountability are key, for me

I’m no one to judge, those actions that can’t be forgotten only reflected upon

If your just a shitty person, you can’t help who you are!

I’m flawed, betrayed and sometimes broken

I am here, I survived your evil intention…

I am not a victim of anything done to me

I am strong, beautiful and victorious

So, you wear the mask proudly

I’ve found strength that was always inside of me

It’s time to live my life for me

Your chapter is over, and I keep going

It was your choice not to be beside me

Revel in that plan because the universe will bring you misery

I will continue my journey without you happily

My life is not a fairytale…

Not sure it will have a happy ending

I’m dealing with a struggle

That’s deep in my mind

Thoughts keep coming to my fingers to write

Is there peace in sight?

Why do thoughts of you come to me

When I should feel free

I’m haunted by each memory

I’m not bitter, stay with her

She will fail as others before her

This I can absolutely guarantee

A thousand hers will never replace me

She calls you her king & I dont see it

No armor that’s bright & shining

Does she know your minds running all the time of

The thoughts of Our past, she was never in

At her best, she’ll never compair

To all the slivers, or broken pieces of me

All family ties, bind

Remeber the vow?

For better or worse

Richer or poorer

Til death do us part, that didn’t include her

When we said them

We believed them

& look at us now

You claim to be with her, for now

Its pitiful seeing you 2 together

Acting like children, purposely laughing & giggling

You gave me your heart or do you remeber?

The accident changed you

It’s kind of frightening

Your cold & calas just like your surroundings

You say you have doubts about moving away

All the things you’ve done

Cant be erased

No amount of I’m sorries

can replace

or Fix the the shattered pieces

you left my heart

Or mend the promises

made on Our wedding day!

My hearts in pieces on the floor

Stand proud King, take that last bow

We never really know what the future holds

Time is strong putting us all on hold

Here’s the thing

I’m not a puppet on a string

Sitting out here wondering

I’m not filled with cotton

Left dangling

Life’s lessons are gifts for all to see

I was your blessing, thrown to the sea

I was challenging & also frustrating

I’m complicated but amazing

Compliments from you, I will not hear

For that I shed not even one tear

Wasted time was mine to bare

& now you are in despair

I’m free of all the lies you told

I should cheer, clap & be bold

I’m settling in comfort now

You so easily thought I was your clown

In time I’ll take a final bow

So this is my stage

So sit down because

You are no longer a part of it

I have no regrets

In choices I made

This is my life

I choose to live it

Thanking God

While you are not in it

I’m just angry

At the betrayal

All the sweet lies

Promises to change

Lack of compassion

The indecency of it all

Every person that said they were different & proved they weren’t

My mother

Being treated like a joke

The waiting

The deception

The family secrets

The drama

The pain and tears

The searching & hoping

Loves lost and some released

The failures

All the times I turned the other cheek, just to have it wripped off

In incessant ringing in my ears

As the tears fall, I get no peace

I’m swallowed up with grief

I haven’t even scratched the surface of all this anger

So what else do I say ….right now?

There will be days that I remember you with a smile and sometimes a tear, but I await true love that someday will apear.

The actions shown were predatory, your intent was made clear.

Mark my words, there is no love lost for you here.

Your karma has struck you swift as a dart. I’m laughing as I hear.. the pain within your voice as you shed a tear.

Wearing your mask to mislead me as you speak, I’m not the fool you thought me to be, so kick rocks with those feet and stay the fuck away from me.

I giggle when you call me because I’m the one you will always seek.

All the she’s you place in your path, pile up so very high & your silly ass can’t see, that wrapping them all into one & none can hold a candle to the essence of ME!

You can’t see passed your nose & I am finally free of you now!

In your eyes you killed 2 birds with one stone but reality is her karma was cold & I’m the one you never leave alone.

I don’t care if any of this makes sense because it coming straight from my mind, my thoughts are mine alone.

When I think of you in my warm embrace I see the yellow snake showing me you betrayed all my good grace.

Comical how you waste your chances, as if I’ll continue to forgive. You’ve single handed destroyed a friendship- best believe one you’ll forever miss.

As your name comes across my lips, I’ll try to hold back the snicker because it makes me laugh.

You are the chapter in my past. I’m the one that got away, you’ll have to make the call & spew apologies. The essence of my memories will haunt you in your dreams!

Forget about me or Try…

I try to be diplomatic but I will admit, it’s not always easy.

Multiple different calls in the last few weeks, leave me shaking my head.

1 call confirmed what I’ve known all along. My eyes are wide open, actions proved me right.

Leopards don’t change their spots, they only fade!

I hear the conversations you’re having & sadly I have to agree what I was told was right! I tried not to be petty but you asked for it.

So without giving details, I laid out the facts, which apparently weren’t shocking to whom, I was talking to.

Do you because apparently you were all along! It’s ok, you are who you & you can’t help it!! Clearly playing victim is your shtick…. be aware~ I took it easy on you, moving forward I will be savage…

I’m not bitter as you say, I’m wiser! You underestimated me!

I’m not missing anything at all, I survived!

Until next time…

I refuse to allow what has happened to me, define who I am …as a woman!

I know that God is watching & he knows my heart. I have sacrificed enough & with true intentions in my heart.

I am not a victim, as a matter of fact, I am victorious!

I’ve dodged bullets aimed directly at my heart that hit dead on. I am wounded & I am surviving! So, those preditorial actions were wasted because I can’t be hurt unless I allow it.

You can not loose if you understand the enemy & don’t underestimate thier abilities before they strike.

If I allowed you in my heart & my life, please know that you were given an opportunity to grow & you failed.

It’s ok to love & loose if you gave, what you could with limited resources you had.

I made you feel special at all cost, with no reservation or hesitation, you were not prepared for me!

If I moved on from you it’s because choices you made comprised my integrity.

I was a listening ear & open heart. I was not a mistake, nor were my actions.

A man is only as good as he chooses to be with the right woman at his side.

For months I said I was done! You are hurt because someone else answered my phone? What? Especially with your once a month appearances… again, what?

You were cast a role with me that you were unqualified for. The role was easy if you had not been so narsasitic.

Miss me with the victim cries. All the talking about she,she,she… newsflash, she took from you that same dose of bullshit reality you tried to feed me.

So, in essence ~You put forth effort into the next SHE, expecting her to be ME & she fed you the Karma that you deserved.

Sorry I’m not sorry! You had 6 months plus of I’m done. Why you mad partnah? You were incapable of putting in the work!

So cry to ya bruh’s & tell it as you choose… that frat boy mentally is just a mask for “do her dirty dog!” & ” Get yours partnah!” Look around bruh, they are all successful & you’re NOT! Damn…..

At the end of the day, you couldn’t man up! Let that be your lesson because God knows I was presented as a blessing! You abused that.

While I have tried & sometimes failed, know this… the lesson is not in falling, it’s how you choose to pick up the pieces & get back up!

My heart is pure, flawed & imperfect but beating well passed your chapter!

I’ve turned the page!

Until next time….