Beauty Smiles

a love story like no other

to fall in love every day

a memory lost & found

over & over

an aneurysm wiped his memory clean of everything new

a love worth finding every simple day

Molly’s hair smelled of freesia

true love is just that true

no matter if its lost & found

everyday is an effort worth making

I want a love like that

I had that love once & I lost it

the touch of his hand is like a gentle breeze

a sun kissed flower in morning mist

the twinkle of dawns first light

the building tension of the unknown & the relaxing sigh of relief upon recognition

finding your souls desire as hands touch

it’s like magic

true love in between the hazey colors of the rainbow

the laughter of children peaceful & content

the warmth of a hug tender & sweet

the first sip of coffee makes morning preparation complete

comets & buggies in constellations

for head kisses are so sweet

wtf is that all about

this person has only come into my life within the last year

he’s having a hard time with accepting me

wow, you made some type of choice some 51years ago & now you have a problem?

sit down…. there really is not a damn thing your ass can do for me

he says, I’ll be in Dallas tomorrow but I can’t come visit

but your stupid ass will be with yourwife visiting her kids

ya, kids that are yours…. oh that’s right

you are having a hard time with me

clearly had a plan when you & my mothership made me

tf… I’m so fucking tired of all the excuses bullshit

why can’t you just say… “my wife is an insufferable bitch & I’m not allowed to come see you with her at my hip bc she doesn’t believe you’re my daughter!”

oh ya & all I want is your money….

well now that ya say it…. send me some dough Daddywarbucks… I really could use the cash! just being honest!

what is it with women of that era

fucking selfish. arrogant and completely insecure in the relationship

I’m biologically his blood, you are his wife… we are NOT the same!

this is just 1 of the many bullshit things running through my damn head

make it fucking stop

I held him accountable & that’s all

he couldn’t handle the pressure

so he moved on & just didn’t tell me

In my heart, I knew it was time to let him go

There was no way I could have given him what he needed

I knew this & was attached anyway

I knew when the seat was pulled too far forward & the female mask was in the car

I honestly am supper happy for him

I just can’t believe his mother & sister are throwing shots at me

what exactly did I do to deserve that?

I’m not ashamed to admit, I’m sincerely hurt

not about the rings but about the petty announcement sent to my daughter

my brain says she wouldn’t have showed me if she’d deleted them like I requested

so after multiple conversations

with several people

I should let it go

I shouldn’t be so bothered

the struggle with knowing he was arrested, booked and charged with such a disgusting charge

how can I let that pass? how can I even care? the charges make me feel like throwing up?

& his family is ok with him getting this new girl pregnant & the giving of rings??? so his charge doesn’t exist to them? gross

why is any of this even floating around in my head? I’m so confused

how can other people gage my hurt or pain?

it’s always so easy when it’s someone else

advice better given than taken

the sharks are circling her

at yet he text me to check up on me

why?, what for?, what do you get out of it? what’s your point anyway?

is he slow? & or retarded? just plain stupid?

I am going with all 3

sending me a message to fish

pulling that shit like Luis…

what the fuck do I look like?

I’m the plan, not the fall back bc your new shit ain’t working out.

bc you don’t have the balls to walk away & get it over with

here with my thoughts

rolling around clouding my judgement

& making my emotions difficult

all I can do is write it all out

& pray to let it all go

I could go through one day without spinning

thinking I’m failing because I wasn’t picked

or worth fighting for

did i fight hard enough

did I give it my all

was this just another failure

or a prayer answered when I sent my thoughts to God?

im trying to collect all my thoughts

I want to believe that deep down I’m not a failure

but it keeps replaying

it all reality, I’m failing if I’d stayed

if I’d kept tolerating less than deserved behaviors & treatments

I’m not the failure

all of them are..

they failed me, completely

not matching my effort or loyalty

I did that once (& I swore I’d never do it again)

The harshness I gave him was miniscule to how “Grown” he claimed to be. Ya know because in his words, “He’s a real Ni@@a!”

Play the mental health card, its total bullshit. Growling at me through his teeth like he doesn’t have a lick of common sense in his head. Ask him how poorly that worked out, sitting at the edge if the bed sobbing like a child. I never even raised my voice, & blubbering endlessly. He knows what he doing and acts accordingly, for those who allow it. I certainly did Not!

The fact that Britney wants to buy rings for his new relationship & post them to hurt me shows the lack of maturity I expect from her. Someone that won’t buy her brother a pair of $10 Christmas pajamas but will offer up those rings, just to be petty to someone like me. Never lived with her own man, baldheaded ass, sit down.

The relationship was well over far before the words were even said. He made promises & lied multiple times, I called him on them & boom.

I’m cracking up at the fact that ya’ll think I’d be jealous of some young, probably very sweet innocent girl. He needs that loving…. he’s my whole world kind of relationship. Fairytale thoughts, her prince charming, a dude 10 years older than her would make her absolutely smitten and head over heels. I would never give him that, bc I never felt that way! The girls probably never had good dick to know wtf she’d be getting anyway. Does she know he’s still married? I bet no!! Doesn’t she know about the killing somebody thing too? oh right no! I need to stop because there is so much material there I could go on for days.

I am positive he didn’t mention his charges or conversations of a baby would never have happened.

I’m hurt he couldn’t be the man he claimed. I’m hurt hearing Bella cry for her YaYa… but in time the cries will stop & his memory will fade, just as if he never existed, like smoke clouds evaporating in air… just like all the beautiful memories that were discarded like trash. so will he

I feel sorry for that poor girl, roped into an endless illusion of manipulation and deception by everyone. In the end she will be broken too, and to add a kid… I shudder to think lol

Do I think he has malice in his heart? No… but he is a product of what his mother poured into him!

Online solicitation of minors with sexual conduct, & it was a catfish.

Current mood

its definitely on overtime

random thoughts & memories

some fun, some painful

I have the message

focus on healing & NOT the pain

being still while hurting is hard

life runs full circle around me

i feel like I’m standing still

each even leaves a mark of the journey

a scar, if you will

mine are clear

& I’m paying my own penance for wrongs I have done

I’ve made my peace with all that

I know its my turn

the crashing, burning

its ebb and flow

even if I asked for all of my kindness back

none of it would repair my heart

there will always be those spaces

that seem incredibly deep

a never ending circle or tormented refusing to let me sleep

to grant myself the permission to be broken

to heal my own way

to be ok with my sadness

tears are healing

let them flow

let go of those that I painfully and desperately wanted to hold on to

I want the memories to stop replaying

I want the haunts to fade from my mind

I want people to apologize for thier wrong doing

I want honesty, truth & respect

I want to be at peace

I know I’ve given far more to others than I gotten in return

& know that Karma will crash full force

I don’t want to see the aftermath

I want no part of it

slivers of my past keep creeping in my mind

like a bad video game or movie

I’m seriously just wanting it all to stop

I am feeling like a failure

and can’t seem to have even the littlest things go right

but I am thankful and I do count my blessings

God, please let my mind rest

for the love

for the memories

allowing me to let you go

I love you

Good bye

okay perfect man

gentle and caring

with the wisdom of my father

the caring tone of my Dad

the strength to be with me

the perfect twist of him spoiling me while I am spoling him

grand gestures of genuine free-spirited love

my partner on a magical carousel.. my prince

a relentless tolerance for my Hallmark obsession

& my obscene love for food (total foodie)

moreover my popcorn addiction

my thirst for Christmas cheer, everyday of the year

my need to want to pay it forward everyday

cooking for others the sould foods I enjoy

& feeding the homless at Thanksgiving

the wealth to allow me to buy an unlimited amount of children’s gifts for charities

makes me feel like a princess

not a wimp that will cave in any argument

but will stand up to me when we disagree

he must be tall & handsome

& of course head over heels completely in love with me

we need to have matching wit

& unadulterated unapologetic savagery while elegantly sharing our sarcastic and comedic banter of vocabulary

does he exist?

is he out there looking for me?

will I be pining over thoughts of the airport…. while he’s at the train station?

while he’s being sultry…

acknowledges different cultures & checking out art, wine and cheese?

a traditional gentleman but rugged fannel on the holidays

pulling off a semiathletic twist of sexy and nerdy just for me

while not caring what others think and never letting anyone insult me

we have each other’s back unequivocally

hopelessly romantic geeks

but modern and kinda steamy

I’d love home to be a chef that could always surprise me

and let’s me assist in with culinary gourmet food tasting

we travel the world to romantic places

become intoxicated with the breath taking screeneries

where is he finding new things or is he searching for them with me

I’d love to meet him

has he already seen me?

will I step out of my comfort zone

will he be all I’ve ever dreamed of

when is it my turn

my sugar daddy/ daddy warblers type of prince charming

that sweeps me off my feet

with a romantic thoughtful woo’ing kind of love

someone not afraid to cook, bake, create, decorate be charming and unafraid of true love

I’m really ready bc I already love me

I want him to give me a home

will he?

as well as a smashing tree

wrapped up in cozy Jammies, sipping eggnog listening to Christmas carols, watching Christmas movies

to enjoy over the top tree decorating in any theme

is this all just a dream?