Beauty Smiles

I met a friend today to get her nails done & low and behold she paid for mine.

I watched as the simplest thing lifted her spirit and that glow came across her face.

As women, we sometime forget to take the time to do the small things that make us feel better. It wasn’t until I left the shop, I noticed the change in myself. I am doing my own hair now & writing as my hair sets its color.

I noticed, I put off dying my hair sometimes because it’s gotten to be a choir, as I’ve lost myself, in my own emotions.

I have got to stop doing that! I know that my emotions can sometimes rule how I let myself look, I hate that!

Personal goals are my priority & this is one of them!

I owe myself the time to heal completely, in every aspect!!

Until next time…..

I’m trying to shed my pain by putting it into words. It’s not easy sitting here constantly evaluating what makes me tick.

It’s overwhelming trying to grasp it all. So I cry because that is my only release.

I’ve helped people and had it blow up in my face. I’ve loved and lost. I’ve made mistakes and it is all in the Hope’s that one day, moving forward putting goodness into the universe will bring me peace.

I have to be honest and real with myself, and this is no fun. Its painful, knowing at times in my life I’ve hurt people and I can never take it back. The knowledge in knowing that sometimes saying “I’m sorry!” Won’t bring someone else peace hurts. Conversely, There have been people that hurt me and they won’t accept responsibility or accountability so those things can’t be taken back or undone.

I request patience in moments or weakness, love if it’s in your heart and a hug if you can.

I go the the song “Wildflower” sung by New Birth, to sum up my emotions as a whole.

I know God’s listening & he knowns my heart. God does not create JUNK!

I am worthy, I am strong, I am patient and I am just in pain, right now!

These are my thoughts!

Until next time….

At least now I know, you had no idea I existed….. My entire life I wondered, who you were, what you were like, where you were from & if the smallest of things were similar. Do I have your eyes & same color? Do we have the same smile & teeth? Do our hands look alike? Do we enjoy the same things?

I would like you to know that I was found, I would have never been able to find you… I had 2 names only. I was never given much information about you because you were not the one expected to match my DNA. The other day I was given the one piece of information that I always begged for, I am the product of a one night stand.

I do not judge you for that, it was the summer of 69, for heaven sake, it was a time of free spirited peace & love. I received a message that lifted my spirits, and then to find out that you didn’t even know I existed, I was disturbed but not shocked.

My emotions have been all over the place. After much discussion with my new family members, I am told that your present wife believes I want money.

Listen hear & let me be clear, if was created well before she was your wife #1, #2 you had no clue about me, #3 I was found, finally so that is obsurd, and quite frankly, so having that mind frame tells me exactly what type of person she is.

The reality is, I honestly don’t care if I ever set eyes on you & the simple fact that you would think I’d want anything from you monitarily, at my age is laughable.

I’m pretty diplomatic but I cant fathom that rational at all because it just doesn’t make sense.

I’m not perfect, I’m no angel but I am however a great person with a good heart. I try to be a better person than I was yesterday. I am NOT a vicious, vengeful or vindictive person at all, it is not in my nature. I am a realist!

I’m concerned to find out medical history because I’ve spent my entire life leaving the father’s side of questionnaires entirely blank.

I’m sure it was appalling to hear of my existence. Of course, I know that could throw a monkey wrench in your life. You are not the only one in shock. DNA doesnt lie and so here we are, trying to grasp it all.

So, for the most part, I’ve have a pretty good life. It has not always been perfect, I’m dealing with emotions I never felt, fighting battles I never knew I had and most importantly I’m healing from so many things that I have absolutely no control over.

I 100% agree with the movie “Hope Floats”… Beginnings are scary, the ending are sad, but it’s the middle that counts the most… just give hope a chance to float up!”

I prayed that you would be open hearted, open minded, patient and kind. The optimist in me, always prays the every person has a sliver of this within them! Do you?

It honestly doesn’t matter how I got here, what counts is what I do now. It’s about what I choose to do with my life and the things I do to make my life the best it can be.

Moving forward, being my best self, whether it being a mom, a sister, a daughter and a grandmother, a friend, it’s all my choice.

There are things that happen throughout life that leave you with feelings of betrayal & uncertainty, never ignore them.

I recently had a relationship that started a bit unorthodox for my norm. He was much younger than I am.

I’ve been through alot & thought, maybe this can work. He flawlessly gave compliments, said things that lifted my spirit, which warmed my heart. I was very sweet on him, & am still very much so to today but I always had an underlying gut feeling that something was just a bit off.

I treated him like the man in the relationship as you should. I was open and honest from the very first day of conversation. In meeting his mother, I was clear that I had no idea where this would go but we would try and regardless of anything we would remain great friends.

As time passed, I noticed things not adding up. The time lines of his history did not match to his age. There were things revealed that he did not say until I asked. I will always have love for him but in all honesty, I made more excuses for him, in my mind, than should have been allowed.

I am not going to trash his character but I will say this, if your words don’t match your actions than there in lyes a whole different problem. I will not air out every detail because it’s just not necessary, for him or myself. I listened to his words but watched his actions more.

Thinking, You can’t tell me you are SO in love with me and erase me like I never existed, while claiming to fight for an US. Every picture was removed, loving comments removed and flat out saying things in anger that can’t be explained away.

If you react in anger to an event, those reactions are your true intent.

I asked for a break because I truly believed time could fix the problem. I observed as things that needed to be done, only became achieved after his departure. I questioned, too little too late?

I whole heartedly moved forward with him the hopes that we could build something or at least try.

I do still care for him and always will but that gut instinct outweighs all. I want him to be happy in everything he does because regardless of whether we worked or not, I care for him that much.

Maturity is: saying what you mean, meaning what you say and NOT saying it mean.

Maturity is Not being hurtful, when angry. Not saying and doing things you can’t take back.

For quite some time now, I’ve been learning more and more about myself. I have to be true to myself, First! I have to listen to that inner voice, it never fails me.

Botton line; I’m loving myself enough to pour my heart into pages to free myself of anything that makes me question my own integrity.

I’m no angel and I’m not playing victim its unwarranted. I was very good to him and he knows this deep down. We tried and it didn’t work for me.

Looking back, I see manipulative behavior. I can’t accept the following: temper tantrums, out bursts or silent treatment spurts when simple things don’t work as planned.

Its unfortunate now, but the words were said, “I can’t even look at you!” So sadly I move on, he will be loved & missed, sometimes with a tear and also at times a smile.

I didn’t want it this way, but nevertheless, I will leave the pain right here!

Until next time…..

Yesterday morning…..

I cracked my eyes open to an email message that lifted my spirits and unanswered questions have some resolution.

A feeling of hope has come alive. I have a purpose, there are situations that happen in my life that I have no control over. The feeling of wonder always lurking & ever so present. With a deep breath, I will take this journey.

I have not asked those that I’m speaking of permission to reveal them, so until then just know that my heart will be open, non judgemental, objective, patient and as caring as I know how.

Some say that: some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, but honestly I have faith now that he was listening. I will not question his timing, I will be understanding, & open to the love that’s coming.

I am no longer the family joke! I am strong, I am brave, I will be unapologetic but tactful ~negative input will no longer have a home here in my heart!

I can’t shake, type & cry… so until next time

This is the story of the terrifying spider that interrupted my bath time. I sometimes wonder how it really went but to even think of asking my dad his version, would just be embarrassing at best. Someday I will ask but it won’t be today……..

Let’s see~ I will start with a simple thought of a night when I was young and we lived in Buffalo New York.   I was told to go upstairs & take a bath. You would think that this was a simple task for a young girl. I remember, going up into the bathroom with every intention to take a bath. I started to fill the tub with really warm water. I left the water running so that it will fill to my comfort. I stepped out of the bathroom, went into my room & as mindless children so I forgot the water was running, while playing with what toys I am sure at the time were my favorites. 

Somehow, through my playing I heard the first holler from downstairs reminding me that a bath was needed. Well, I remember going back into the bathroom, & turning off the water observing the bath water was just at the perfect level for me… & there it was…….. A spider… I was frightened at its size… just huge just doing its spider thing…. it was the largest daddy long legs I had ever seen. I was overwhelmed with fear!  I was petrified to get into that tub… no way was I doing it…. standing there with a towel wrapped around me I quietly went into my room thinking if I just wait awhile this creature would travel somewhere possibly anywhere other than were I had to take a bath. well I crawled up on the end of my bed & curled up in my towel & the blanket folded neatly at the foot of my bed. As I lay there thinking, ok so when I sneak back into the bathroom this spider would be gone…

Then, as if the sandman had conked me over the head, I drifted off to sleep, thinking when I go back in there that disgusting spider would be all gone…  & praying my parents wouldn’t catch me dozing off & I will take my bath & all will be ok… but Oh no~ My Dad came up & oh man I was in for it… “what do you think you are doing?”   yikes! I woke up to a start… and his face was so stern & annoyed at my not following a simple instruction, like taking a bath… his reaction was as if, I didn’t like bath time… little did he know that up until that day~ bath time was awesome…. my own little water world… He stared at me as if I was Satan’s spawn. He was really mad! As I sat there thinking why is he so mad?  but it will be OK~ I will just explain that there was a spider of gigantic proportion & he will understand, I will be OK… fat chance my explanation infuriated him… I had no recourse, he went & got this short handled brush & was very clear that for being defiant I was getting a spanking~ & as soon as the spanking was over his was clear that I was not only going to take a bath in the cold water but I was going to remove the spider by myself… with a butt completely on fire, I explained that he had to see how big this enormous spider was, and in my mind he would be sorry for giving me a spanking!  Oh ya that was the thought in my head… oh lord when he saw the spider not only did he laugh but then he was even more angry. I was so sacred. I was instructed to kill the spider & them take my bath & I’d better be quick about it… 

 I remember hucking the soap at it & missing and a few other random things, that of course as if that damned spider had a force field around it.. missed completely!  Oh but then I had a brilliant idea… I would use a face cloth~ soaked with water. I could fling it like a frisbee & then that would be my chance to wash really quickly & this 

whole ordeal would be over… it took a few throws but I finally killed that frickin horifying creature’s butt. 

Thinking about it now, I remember the visceral reaction I had to those twitching long legs floating around in the water, it still makes me cringe. I sat at the back of the tub in fear for them touching me… makes me totally nauseous.   Hence, to this day I have a huge issue with spiders. Hmmm I wonder why?  

This simple little story may sound simple to some but you would think it wouldn’t have left such an impression in my mind. All I wanted was my Dad, my hero to just go into the bathroom & remove the troublesome creature & then life would be serene.  

This memory cam to me the other day, when I was with my son Alex. He was preparing to mow a small portion of lawn. He looks at me and says, “Mom don’t move!” I’m like, “WHY?”  abruptly, “just don’t move” I look over near the edge of the porch & this massive, nasty fury gigantic tarantula looking thing sit sitting there, like it’s looking right at me,… remember my friend that you killed… I had this sinking feeling in my stomach, like I was going to throw up.. well, here I am….    & boom Alex smashes it…. All is right in the world, lol Thank you Alex!!!  

Until next time…

As I sit here thinking of all the reasons why I have chosen to stop talking to you… I wonder does anything matter in your mind?  for years why did I have the constant need to explain my point of view? did or does my point of view even matter to you? why have i spent so much of my life trying to please you?  why have I constantly sought you validation or approval?

It’s playing over and over in my mind, all the stories you have told to various people in my life & yours, that are mostly fabricated declarations of your version of my life. There have been so many different things…. as far back as how I came to be here…. How you didn’t help Dad telling me he wasn’t my father. How many people that were told in my circle of friends, there wasn’t a stone unturned regarding all the slanderous things that would shade my character. 

Where and how do I start that list? The twins babysitter in Arlington & even Evey (my best friend at that time), Denise, Penny, Whitney and let’s not forget Craig & Kathy, oh and what about Sandra? You told these things so much that Amanda & Jack even joined in believing the non- sense… I think took place with pretty much anyone that would listen to you…. I am so tired of telling my side of the story (my truth) but know this, I will reach them in my own time whether it be in a day, a year or even many years from now~ they will know & learn the truth. 

These stories so frequently changed as the wind blows…. I shudder to think the lies that were told. It was needless and unwarranted… & even as my children grew up exposed to your antics & non-sense. Always so subtly shared ~they should Never have been exposed to you or privy to hear any of your stories. I can imagine the faces you’d make…. Rolling your eyes at my kids at the very mention of my existence.  

I’ve listened to the things you have shared & I often wonder how as a mother you could have done that to me?   Deep down, I believe that you should never have been a mother yourself. I wonder how you look at your own life & I wonder how differently your life would have been if you never had any children.  I speak only for myself when I say this!

Look at your life now & name how many of your own children talk to you… & if they do, what is the purpose? Think to yourself, ask yourself does it fit a purpose or does it have some opportunistic cause? what kind of deep loving relationship do you have with any of them now? I count maybe one~ Amanda…   And after all these years, you are working on your grandchildren… give it time you will make them all hate you too…. it’s amazing really! 

I have started this letter over and over again so many times with the hope that one day I will write it with no anger or malice in my heart…. Nope, I’m still not there yet! Each time the frustration, betrayal and anger hit my shoulders like a to of bricks.

Words are a powerful gift, i try to use mine wisely, reliving all my memories~  my pure anger makes its way through with constant awareness that it should not become hateful or vengeful.  

I sit back & ponder as I  watch the devastation you’ve created. No amount of distance,space, or separation I try to place between us, it never removes the pain and sadness you have created in me. You can’t possibly fathom the sheer disgust or disappointment I have when I have to refer to you as my mother sometimes. I utterly despise making the connection. 

I do however look at moments in my life, there were some true moments of clarity and sincerity. They were very few and far between! I truly believe that the best life lesson that you have taught me is, how NOT to be a mother & parent.

On my own, through trial and error, I have become a mother that my children love & can be proud of. I have helped to teach them how brilliant they can become as wonderful, intelligent, fantastic loving individuals! I enjoy spending as much time with them as I can, so they can learn what kind of person I really am inside. Who they think I am, and who I am becoming… 

They are old enough now to understand & figure out who I am, all on their own. On so many levels you have made my choice easy by removing you from my life, believe me I am truly grateful! so thank you! I think one day you’ll realize that the world does not nor has it even revolved around you. You are not the ultimate center of everyone’s life. 

It’s hard for me to refrain from calling you a Drama Queen/ Drama Whore! That is the best explanation, and it’s just plain sick! 

Let’s look at the scenario of who my father is… wow two names really? I’m amazed that you even let those words slip from your mouth… and honestly what does it make me think of you? huh, where do I begin? on so many different occasions, that story has changed… do you even know… who is he? Was he someone that you danced for? was he someone that paid you for a private party? where you hurt? were you raped? was it a man that was married? What is the big secret anyway? Why are there times that you became so physically enraged by the subject being brought up?  you have even attacked me over this subject telling me that I am prying and that it’s your life, that its none of my business… well hello it very much is my business, I didn’t get here by osmosis… I came from somewhere & you are the only one with the answers!!

Remember I never asked to be here, so I have every right to ask & know…. this all brings me to think, why don’t you stop sitting so high up on your throne of self righteousness & let the cards fall where they may & just be done with the whole mess…. you proclaim to my kids that you are so wonderful… don’t you realize that they see you differently because you won’t just come right out and tell me.

Why do you carry so much resentment for me?  do I look like your mother so much & you hate her for giving you away?  do you hate me for the choices I have made, that you choose to lash out in ways only you know how?  All those years ago when I left Luis & had an affair… do you hate me for that because you did it too? the only difference between us, is that I thought my husband didn’t love me anymore, I didn’t think my kids needed me because I spent so much time giving your bullshit weight in my head…

Ya, I actually thought that deep in my heart…. what was your reason?  I thought the best resolution to my problem was to give my husband exactly what he wanted & our children… the only choice that made sense.. but remember that reason had its flaws… I only agreed to that because I thought it would be best for him & them to be raised with your help ( what the fuck was I thinking?) because moving them to Lawrence would potentially place them in horrible circumstances or make Daniel & Alex turn out to be criminals, drug dealer, and possibly make Toni look at being a prostitute….. Hell NO!   we all knew that was not an option… and again, I knew this would also have its consequences but at least my kids would be with their dad, loved & safe. The other serious consequence, was them being around you! All my choices have had repercussions… I live with mine & know that my children turned out well! 

When it comes to you & I, I have always felt this twisted & sick competition… believe me I see now that I am stronger & more talented that you can ever imagine…. I look at my sacrifices & know that I did what I could at the time, right or wrong they were my choices to make… I have the internal & external scars that show on my face.

No matter what light you try to shine on my life toward the negative, I can always find a situation within your life that will make you look worse…. need I say bartender and go go dancer? Hello?  these days go go dancers are pretty much strippers! you don’t think that people are smart enough to figure that out? funny how you can’t seem to keep track of all the stories you tell and they always have a way of changing….

I need a break from all these negative thoughts, but I will be back!

For the love of God, she calls herself a mother….  Why? I have asked myself this question so many times, it is almost like the title itself makes absolutely ~no sense.  What kind of mother is she anyway? What kind of mother puts a price tag on love? What on earth made her so blatantly calas to her own daughter? Yup~ that’s me~ she’s actually done all of it & with no remorse~ I used to defend her, at all cost~  in the name of Jesus. That’s my mother & no one can talk bad about her… like she was the goddess & pure example of motherhood as if she was gliding down the runway at a fashion show, & then watch her in public with that fake ass smile & proud strut ( like a peacock) just flaring the feathers as if she was perfect.  It’s like I came out & the Cha-ching dollar sounds started going off. Did she think that having children was like playing monopoly? I have this piece & I win this and that? 

what kind of mother spends the better part of her child’s life shaming her, speaking so harshly to anyone that would listen & having everyone so convinced, that I am this horrible person? like it’s gospel, straight out the holy book & all about a child she created? Me!!!!!

I can’t even count the number of people that she has destroyed my character to, including all of my children. I used to joke that I learned to swear like her as if it was a grand prize The women made cussing an actual art form, a masterpiece of the most outrageous concoctions that existed. Ya, like that is something to be proud of… Holy smokes Batman! 

I remember a time when all I wanted to do was be just like her, what in the holy Crustashions was I thinking… I remember watching her at family functions: where out of the clear blue things would come out of her mouth that would clear a room, no one would speak of it because if the words came out of our mouths to question there would be actual hell to pay! The venom that would spill rom her mouth would & could level an actual country. 

I unapologetically speak of it, to set it free, from my mind, my heart and best of all to heal. 

I have questioned things like; who is my biological father? & received answers like, “Why must you bring up my past, I certainly never want to revisit that.”  At one point in my life I was given 2 names, Like that would miraculously shut me up or persuade me never to ask again. This subject has been a bone of contention for so long it’s become “A family joke.”

It’s been made such a joke that my 3 three children have actually stated (with her influence of course) that I should just be happy that I got 2 names. Like that  was a blue ribbon winning pig at the farmers auction! “Hey mom!” they’d say, “at least you got that.” Hmmmm, really!

what in the bloody hell kind of mind thinking is that anyway?  I’m angry, hurt, frustrated & just simply dumbfounded at the utter lack of human decency. 

I used to defend her,  what in the name of Lucifer was I thinking? , That’s my mother & no one can talk bad about her… like she was the goddess of all goddesses & the pure example of motherhood?~ It’s not like she was gliding down the runway at a fashion show, & then to watch her in public with that fake ass smile & proud strut ( like a peacock) just flaring the feathers as if she was perfect. 

Its like my mind is racing so fast with all the memories I have in my head that there is absolutely no way that my fingers can keep up with all that I want to type,

Here is a great story~ & a perfect example of how my mother makes everyone else accountable for her poor judgement and actions… Making them the fall guy for her insensitivity & shitty character….      Here it goes nothing

I remember the time that my whole family was in the driveway to head out for a family vacation, which should be jolly fun, right?…   & I’m sitting in the back seat, in the middle as I always did so my head would be in between the head rests of my mom & my dad.. Here I am & I have this great idea that I am going to ask my dad what happened at the hospital when I was born,

Ya~ you think this is going to be a cute story,,, ya know like all kids want to hear… He fainted or some crazy cute thing that always happens… ya uh no. I look at my dad~ “So dad what was it like when mom had me, you know when I was born”…. He’s silent & looks at my mom… “Ummm I don’t know I wasn’t there….”  So I’m like, “ok so you were in the waiting room, waiting for them to let you in”… “Uh, no I wasn’t there”… “Ok so you were at the bar down the street having a beer, right… waiting for me to get here, right?” “Uhhhh no I wasn’t there”… The whole time he is looking at my mom… as if she was supposed to say something… Nope total silence..

   I am a persistent kid & keep prodding to get the reason he is saying nope I wasn’t there..

“Ok so you were at  work, right?… that’s why you weren’t there”… still looking at my mom & deafening distant silence. I turn to him again & out pops, “no missy I wasn’t there, I’m not your father”… 

To this day it was like the entire memory disappears like smoke… I’m an utter blank…  I remember most all of our family trips, bits and pieces anyway.

Nope not that one… I don’t remember the car ride, the normal stops for gas or even what great place dad brought us… it’s all a blank…. It’s as if that entire trip I’d gone blind.

I remember our trip to disney, I remember hershey park, yellowstone, swimming with manatees in florida, the trip to busch gardens.. But that trip, wiped clean, can’t remember anything.

 As I look back with adult eyes, it all makes sense…  I can’t even imagine what dad was thinking in those moments ~Jeez Jinnie could ya help me out here? I don’t wanna break this child’s heart. I have to tell her the truth because she needs to know, I can’t believe there is not a sliver of help for this question to cushion the blow, nope my mother sat in silence…..

I can honestly say that I even remember the look on his face as he told me, it was like he didn’t want to but couldn’t bring himself to lie. Again, it was like I completely blacked out after those words were said. I remember the car we were in, I remember the smell of grass. I even remember that it wasn’t even an extremely hot summery day, it was somewhat over cast, a  summer day but not particularly hot.

Sometimes, I often wondered throughout the years if this wasn’t something she had planned on using  later to hurt us both. How can someone’s mother, moreover my mother specifically be so eagerly pleased by bringing her child such pain?

Over the years the stories I’ve been told are all convoluted, they always change and never too many details but always with this undertone of deep resentment that I should never have even asked in the first place.   I guess I will never really know her reasoning and I should be happy that 2 names given , right?

That’s it for now…. Until next time

Renee Proctor, was the one safe place that I had. God chose to take her home to rest. May calming place was gone, & from then until now ~my best memory is and was her infectious smile, and contagious laugh!

As I opened my eyes today, I realized not everyone will like the way I see and do things, & that’s okay! I know my heart & that is all that matters!

My Anam Cara ~ my Soul Friend, sistah and best friend ~ 

I am a very private person you know this, so choosing this avenue was a difficult decision for me. I do not like to feel vulnerable & I do not like feeling uncomfortable. As I write I feel a sense of release, a tranquility that shines a light in a dark place. Renee is in everything I do, the purple butterfly is her and my inspiration, as shown on my cover page.

No one is the writer of my truth, I am…. She would constantly remind me of that! I am not here to please others. It’s time for me to start being okay with saying, “NO!” I love myself enough, to know that when I need to make a change for my own personal growth, emotional health, mental well being that is what I need to do.

I will not allow others to dictate, manipulate or coerce me into feeling guilty. I am learning to accept that in some situations people viewed me with their eyes & their perceptions. It’s okay to have an opinion but, it it not okay to make your perception fact. That is their truth as they see it, It’s not mine!

I have many relationships in my life that are damaged & changing. I am trying to rebuild those that are in a place of wreckage and others are changing as life does. I know you hear me when I tell you what’s going on… “Are you E’ffing kidding me?” your classic line….. ya~ I know right, it’s crazy!

Renee, I see the cardinals and the butterflies and they bring me comfort… I know you are watching, I miss you…. Forgive me for sometimes being angry, I’m not trying to be selfish. I know that I am not the only one that misses you, Everyday!

It’s taken me a few days to come back to this writing as I was overwhelmed with exactly what I wanted to say to you. I miss your voice and laughter, & how you always understood the meaning of everything I was expressing even if it wasn’t said out loud.

I woke up today with a renewed sense of hope. My future is bright, This is my path & I own it. I will not allow anyone to make me feel ashamed of it. The things that I share are my view and mine alone!

There are people that have hurt me, know this~ I survived! The people that I have hurt, know I’m truly sorry! An apology can be given but it is solely upon the recipient whether it is received and accepted. No amount of “I’m Sorry” carries its weight if it is not received with the sincere intent that it is given.

1 Corinthians 3:4-8 Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

It’s a shame to try & make me feel guilty for my thoughts or feelings. So many of the relationship in my life have been damaged for this reason or that. They are not perfect, they are sometimes a masterpiece, some are in the process of being rebuilt, others completely destroyed, because there is no accountability owned. I realize that some people would prefer to make me out the bad guy vs owning their part & I’m okay with that.

Mistakes that I have made have been placed on billboards for everyone to throw their 2 cents at, was it worth it? The saying goes, “Those who live in a glass houses shouldn’t throw stones!” You better have your crap together if you think you can speak against me….

just a few thoughts… until later