Beauty Smiles

There is a point in your life that bad pennies always pop up.

At that point you have to decide if they are worth spending

You can pick it up

Or leave it alone

There is always a choice

You make the decision

Obviously, this is metaphorical

I was told once, by a great Man…. to create the period so I have.

On many things,…

I could bicker over the little things, or let them go.

I solely, am the author of my story!

Others have only been chapters within it.

What path I choose to take is mine.

I am not responsible for anyone but myself.

I refuse to allow others, to play roles they never should have had.

I am no longer going to punish myself for things out of my control.

My worth is paramount and unequivocally my greatest priority

If you couldn’t see it… shame on you

So ask yourself, what pennies do you pick?

And there you have it.

I’ve been hesitant to write these feelings because it will make them real.

I have fond memories of my Dad growing up.

Are you My missy monkey or mommy’s big girl? …and the tickling commensed….

I believed he hung the moon, and in some ways, he still does to this day.

After years of separation, one of my favorite things to do is talk with him…

Part of my favorite Christmas present this year! Just sayin

He’s open in conversation, and never makes me feel bad about my opinions even when he may not agree.

Reminds me of listening to him read stories to us when we were little.

He’s clear and concise and almost mythotcal in expression…

No matter how much time passes between visits or conversations, it always seems as if, not a minute has passed.

Recently, my biological Father has entered my life…. it will be a new journey and extremely difficult to express all my emotions.

I feel almost like a little girl again with my Dad emotionally holding my hand for this new adventure.

I’m blessed to have this experience after 49 years of life but apprehensive… there I said it.

While I am excited to now know the missing piece exists.

He’s finally here?,……someone that was presented, practically gift wrapped, seems almost like an accident.

…and to find out I’m half of a set of identical twins… my mind is exploding!

I’ve always dreamed about this…. but I’m being extremely cautious.

I feel like I’m on guard all the time…. shields are up, I’m on full alert… alarms are sounding full blast!!!

Make the ringing stop!

Its deafening…. believe me, I know deaf… I was born almost completely deaf.

I know I’m a very literal person but I’m down right petrified and I don’t understand why.

A side note- something that brings me comfort…..

My Dad gives the Best hugs & without hesitation always makes me feel safe.

Even sitting here now, with tears rolling down my face, I know if I call him… his soothing voice will be calming and everything will be ok!

My insecurities are at the forefront of my mind and ever present; fear of allowing my father in is terrifying.

While I’m happy to an extent, I’m overwhelmed with mixed emotions that I can’t explain.

And there you have it…

Stay tuned…

There comes a time in your life when you have to stop accommodating everyone else and focus on yourself.

No more excuses for anything.

No more accepting things that just don’t need to be accepted.

No more allowing others to dictate any aspect of my life that makes ME who I am!

I’ve had my fill of others placing their behaviors on me, I’m not the asshole whisperer.

Oh, I did that because you made me…. fuck that!

I’ve had my fill of others placing me responsible for the outcome of their choices and actions.

CLOWN!

Don’t do anything to be sorry for: write your true self into existence and trudge forward unapologetically!

I’ve had several conversations lately that have left me making excuses for those I’m talking to. Plain and simple- Fuck that noise!

I’m tired of the bullshit!

If you act in a way that makes me think “what the fuck?” to myself; Then I will separate myself from you.

If I’ve had to be so diplomatic that making an excuse for your bullshit is my only option; I will separate myself from you!

I will no longer base my choices on how the outcome will effect you or anyone; I’m not responsible for you, I’m responsible for ME!

If anything, I’m disappointed in myself that it took me so long to write it down.

I stepped away from this journey for far too long!

I am very proud of myself for coming back to my writing to let it out.

I’m back and with no more excuses…

Think it, write and be done with it!

Boom

Let this sink in for a second

Don’t play about the come up

Being all salty

Look, you mad because I was tired of the excuses

If you talked about it & had the momma cosign for it

Then be about it

Came here with Nothin & I mean nothin

& left here with somethin

Plus a fuckin attitude

I gave when I had nothin

& still kept givin

You played the facade like it was real & got shuffled

I am savage & always have been

You got lucky & mad

Again, it was clear from the start what it was

Talkin ya mess & that got you sent

No matter what position I’m in…. I will always come up

Bein all Salty… for what?

I’m happy for you but NEVER forget God knows what I did

So stop spoutin mistruths & be about what you should have been about for 6 or 7 years before me

Too little too late

& material shit never phases me

Your immaturity is shining

Like a beacon through a dark sea

Money & cars can be lost

Ride that shit til the wheels fall off

I elevated you, you didn’t elevate me

I want nothing but the best for you

Be very careful how you treat blessings

sugar & salt look the same

Indifference is my peace

Karma is a bitch!

Best believe…

I’ve gone over events in my mind so many times

Given chances for people to do the right thing again & again

People have come & gone in my life

Still the same thing becomes clear, I keep thinking each time just one will be different & I won’t be disappointed

Should I harden my heart? Be more cold & not take chances? Not give people the benefit of the doubt?

What lesson am I missing? I still put my heart out there for the mere glimpse of potential and possibilty.

Why do I keep getting so disappointed?

I do try to be a better person every day and yet here I am

Thinking it’s my fault. I take responsibility for my actions and still get the short end of the stick.

I know that if I remain true to myself one day I will reap the benefits of my efforts

Those I’ve been so giving to will still tell the story of how I was so horrible & its sad.

In my heart I know that my requests weren’t unreachable & those no longer with me, take away a piece of my soul that can’t be replaced.

I know they need to look into the depths of their souls & face their choices

Maybe the lesson for me was to continue to release them into the world peacefully with ideas of elevation

I hope that those become better for the next person they cross paths with

I pray my efforts for whomever were not all in vain…

I would hate to think that my kindness was just the stepping stone for their ideas to become better within but just not with me

I’m sure there are those that say I’m the biggest bitch this side of the Mason Dixon & others believed I was weak for always seeing potential & holding them to it.

I’ve been broken & defeated but never once was I user or blatantly cruel

I battle these thoughts which turn over & over in my mind

I guess this will go round & round in my mind until finally it will make sense

The last month or so has been an emotional rollercoaster.

I’ve been reflecting alot on everything

I’ve been there for people that have ghosted on me, failed me & been completely unsupportive

My birth family finds me, & I’m over joyed & one individual within them states that I’m out only to seek money

I’m humble and live a pretty simple life

I try to be a good person every day regardless of my obstacles

While I am struggling on an embarrassing level, I am not one to have my hand out

I dream like everyone to win the lottery, it’s to maintain existing financial issues & in no way to live in excess

The things I would do with winnings of the lottery would clear my debt and build a foundation

I would also give a foundation to those that would use that to create a base for themselves

It’s not selfish to clear your own debt first then pay it forward.

Its realistic, rational and responsible

I did play the lottery today & because the last few days events were unexpected I took the chance

There is only one way & that’s UP!

I will let hope float up!

God only helps those who help themselves!

I am blessed with 2 Dads. My Dad Bill helped raise & instill the foundation & I’m thankful & grateful for his love. My Father//Dad Don, helped to create me to which I’m grateful because without him, I would not be here. He never knew about me & After meeting me wants to grow & create memories.

My emotions are everywhere & I’m a mess.

Life is a crazy mixed up mess but I am thankful for it.

I feel I belong & I am loved!

Its hysterical that people don’t grasp the concept

What I do know, is this…

I’m not, nor have I ever been impressed by money or material things

What impresses me..

Being a man of your word

Doing the right thing

3 people come to mind

I will leave them nameless but anyone with a brain can figure this out (if you know me)

I take care of him while near death & I’m left in the wake of his selfish deception

He slammed into me like a plane hit the twin towers, leaving my heart, like ground zero in complete devastation

Or how about the ghosting one, that kept taking & treated me like a damn yoyo.. claiming I wasn’t doing right.. when I paid his damn rent 3 times because he wasn’t man enough to hustle

Or even better yet, hot headed central that thought he could appear with nothing & threatened to leave here grinching my shit in anger… & let’s not forget the acts of keyboard gangster bullshit… oh no that’s in general blah blah blah

All three of those people have life & bullshit confused…

All three I gave, while I had very little & Karma is a bitch!

All three did far too little far too late…

I don’t hate any of them, in fact I’m indifferent

I did the best I could & God was watching

I survived & my lessons have been learned…

All three can speak of what they believe is their truth

More power to them…

I was honest with all three & the choices they made, they will have to live with

I have a clear conscience & I wish them piece & happiness

Indifference, it’s a peaceful thing

It will always amuse me when

People think about the wrong focus

I’m not shallow or insecure

I may not have much but I am blessed

If I allowed you in my life to share what little I have & you take advantage….. shame on you

Even if I have had nothing, I blessed you with something

If I had the time for you, be mindful my time is precious

Precious enough to give some to you

Material things don’t impress me

Those things come & go

Remember I gave you time to elevate for you

That time was wasted

That is on you

Tell your story but tell the truth

The road to heaven & hell are paved with good intentions

I reap my rewards alone, so thank you

Your focus should not be a facade immitating but not real & not truth

I was down for you

& live life for yourself & stop having others cosign the fake in you

Your immaturity sadly rang out loud & clear

Ultimately dampering your time here

I wish you happiness and peace

You just can’t get it with me, not right here

Now the right one for you should appear

I was your blessing & I know you don’t tell it that way

Too little too late, sad & bitter sweet

So with that said, Have a nice day!

My life is a big disastrous beautiful nightmarish twist but in short a miracle.

My Aunt Pat reminded me that it’s ok to want to be accepted. I’ve searched so hard for a smithers of belonging, never feeling like I truly fit in.

When the feeling of something has been missing your whole life, what fills that void?

Now the waiting game for this man that had half to do with creating me trying to find it within himself to face his choices in his past, leaves me shaking my head….

Questioning shit loads of events in my life

I’m just trying to sort it all out

Where do I start?

I hurt Luis and spent 28 years atoning for him but in turn for him to hurt me in return.

This will NOT be accepted at all

I’ve been humiliated, humbled & disrespected

Those feelings will never go awway

An entire community of people we know seeing the bullshit play out so clearly

Its digusting…

Does it cost anything to just be a good person? NO

I’m an extremely good person, I’m just mad as fuck

How did I get here?

why did it have to play out like this?

What will happen next?

I’m a mess

So let me be clear…. I have many friends & their sexual orientation has NEVER been my concern

I have had compliments from the same sex & have been flattered but it’s not my speed

I see things on social media that I leave a like for this reason or that

The eye shadow looks spot on, the outfit is killer, or even down to a smashing pair of heels…. because let’s face it pretty is pretty- I’m not blind

I am very comfortable in who I am… & what I like!

That does not make me adventurous enough to think in a way that is just not in my make up… just not my preference… real simple

I can definitely see what taste in looks or style I think are appealing & comment accordingly for me

But to recently be asked, have you ever been with a woman for the 4th or 5th time to come out a mouth

This leads me to believe that there is an ulterior motive

I have not, will not, nor will I continue to entertain the line of conversation….

I have never judged anyone who makes that choice for themselves.

Love is love, regardless of orientation… I believe that strongly

I’m adult enough to stand my ground on my opinions & remain friends

Just because I’m not interested in that flavor or lifestyle for myself doesn’t mean I disrespect them as individuals

Nor will I allow that hinder a great friendship

In short, the meaning behind the question leaves me with these thoughts: that person wanted me to join in a group for a personal fantasy & didn’t have the courage to straight ask me but instead accused…

Hey if that’s your fantasy~ have at it… lol enjoy

The fact that I was asked did not offend me, it was the point that I answered my disinterest multiple times… are ya deaf? No thank you

If you continue to ask, that is a different perspective all together

Now being friends is one thing but disregarding my feeling is another…

The retort was: well what if I hung out with a bunch of guys that are gay, what would you think?

Ok~ should I be funny or serious? (I dont wanna piss anyone off but…)

If ya did: you’d speak clearer, dress better, clean those damn nails better, eat better & fuck for that matter probably be a better human!

Or there is the possibility you just may secretly want the D… so with that said~ Have you?