Beauty Smiles

I thought I could get passed it or over it or whatever

All the lies & betrayal

It’s great that you have a bag but stop dropping that change on my children

With all this it’s a gift this & that

Paying off the car & the truck, that’s great

But honey you got caught sneaking money to our kids behind his back

But as I told many before… it really brought you shit

Cruz when his true self comes out

The jokes really on you… putting out money & pussy just to buy the dude

These are all old drafts that I just felt too painful to finish

& now he’s quitting his job to leave this state to be with your manly transgender looking ass

I’m not sure what stopped me from writing my thoughts

I think I was wrapped up in who could read all the pain

Now I don’t care if anyone is offended because these are my thoughts

I’m no longer afraid to share that you won’t ever have to joyful, charming cuddly guy I once knew

If you’re snooping to find what I have to say… fuck you & your pet turtle

Enjoy the empty shell you purchased

He’ll leave when he’s done with you too

Where did it all go wrong?

At what point did my heart betray me?

Was it all a lie?

Is this who you really are?

How & why couldn’t I see it?

It’s strange how your mind reflects and reminds you of painful things, just to show you…

was it an alarm?

An alert that I missed?

blinded by what could be, should be verses what was really happening?

Statements like, “it must suck to be so stupid?”

Fast forward, she thinks she’s inherited someone so special!

She has no clue that he makes fun of her

Gives away gifts that were given as if they were nothing

Makes me wonder, did he do that to me too?

Was I that dense then I couldn’t see it & to make it easier to let go, I see it now?

I guess it doesn’t even matter now does it?

I will never understand the check list that started in his mind

It’s as if the accident drained all the decency directly out of his soul

No more rules= ✔

Disregard all commitments & agreements =✔

Become a liar & activate everything immoral he’s incessantly warned his daughter NOT to be with =✔

Remove all integrity, honor, moral ethics & loyalty = ✔

All the years of decent character that were built are completely gone

She will never be me & there is absolutely no return

Just goes to show you can’t fix stupid

Everything has a cost, I hope it was worth it!

What do I see in the sky that isn’t obviously?

In the sky I see

Things that make me whole

Memories of loved one ones

Renee, my guadian Angel

I close my eyes & her presence bringing me peace

Cherished moments that warm me calmly

I see memories, like photos that mark milestones

There are endless possibilities

Dreams that may come true

Chances for new beginnings

I feel the warm breeze that gently brushes my cheek

Like his soft kisses that used to grace my face

Peace

In the last few months, I consider a lot of things in my life “intersections”

What should I do? How do I react? Or how should I react? Do I say something? Do I stay quiet?is there a hidden camera on? Is this a joke?

All the while, I here Renee!

Are you fucking kidding me? In Renee’s voice…. Renee was my Rock! I miss her with my whole heart, and always hear her when I close my eyes boom she right there.

So, with the recent events… there she is speaking with a soft voice & clear logic

Listen to your heart & never let anyone rob you of your integrity!

I was in a situation & reached out to those closest to me & not asking for help but keeping them in the loop.

I was walking through the steps, each time, gaining better insight on my responsibility and an action plan

All of the people I kept in the loop are important to me in many different ways

When you struggle, you share

This is a new thing for me but I’m making progress

Not to be mocked, not to be ridiculed, and definitely not to endure “the past” being thrown in my face

So I look at what got me here, in this situation and realize that I could have handled this better. Although I had a good plan, my priorities were a little misplaced.

I recognize and acknowledge that!

I did NOT reach out to ask for help but in fact, a source of support!

I have 5 people who truly know my heart!

1 is now my gaurdian angel

One I married, 1 is truly my sole mate, and 1 raised me and gave me most of the building blocks that shape life decisions to reflect on, and the last 1 I’m building a new connection with because he had no idea he helped create me, and that helps give me perspectives to analyze wisely.

It’s no secret that I presently feel like I’m failing.

Thinking I’m making progress with broken relationships and hearing bitter borderline vicious things still being said about me

I learning a lot about people that have such nasty things said

These people reveal themselves profoundly, at least to me

I know this had and has no reflection on who I am, but it does affect me

Where you come from and the events that take place in your life is NO excuse to be vile and less than honorable in expression

I’d like to call these “intersections”

A place that I can choose what Avenue I allow what moves forward in the relationship

While we may cross paths at times, our interactions will be limited, civil but I see you & your intent

I am, in no way referring to the 5 people that know my heart.

My children are also great sources of support in their own way.

I’m doing my best Not to put myself in this situation again.

A great Man, expressed, Always try to save for a rainy day!”

I’m a work in progress, bare with me!

I know pain

Who’s mother looks her child in the face

& says “well I had the opportunity to abort you & I didn’t!”

Wow…. does that mean you win a fucking prize?

Through my tears all I can say is fucking “ouch!”

I’d like to say I’m surprised

But I’m not

I know pain

Its written all across my face

If I didnt have 4 beautiful gifts in my life

That give my heart meaning

I’d honestly say my twin

That didn’t make it was the lucky one

Bless my twins sweet soul

She was lucky enough to never spend a millisecond

With this evil venomous virus

I call my mother

The devil sure is working hard on me today

I’m feeling a myriad of emotions that I am trying to deal with

I feel defeated, deflated. Disappointed, annoyed

I weepy for no reason that I can explain

I take pride in my hard work

But today even the smallest things

Made me feel like I’m failing

I have proof of my accomplishments

But when you try to do work without directions for a person you are filling in for

somethings aren’t done their way, & it’s as if what you have done

Doesn’t even count

The devil sure does play with your mind

I know I’ve worked hard

But the question is… when do I get rewarded?

When does that solid piece show itself?

Just feeling a bit uneasy, unsure and somewhat insecure

So Mentally I’m speaking to the devil

& I am saying a big Fuck you!

So there you have it

Fighting demons today

Head is pounding

Ears are ringing

Mind is racing

Tears are falling

Memories play over and over

Doors are slamming

Windows breaking

Adults are screaming

Sitting alone but feels like an overwhelming crowd

The silence is far too loud

The air is so thick as if I’m going to drowned

My thoughts are a hole so deep I can’t claw my way out

Tells me the events of my life written across my face

Sometimes, I’ve looked at it & fallen victim to the lies I’ve allowed it to tell

Each line, freckle and scar that reflect a blemish resemble demons

I’m not worthy, I’m ugly, I’m stupid, I deserve to be punished, I’m a bad person

I need to resist & overcome but…

Sometimes, the bad stuff is easier to believe when heard over & over again

Playing like a broken record, skipping endlessly

Alone, I rewrite my truth

I’m the creator of this day and everyday that follows

I am fighting back

I own this mirror and what I allow it to say to me

I am no longer victim to horrible scaring events or evil intended words spoken

I am victorious and the sole hero of myself

God doesn’t create junk

I have worth & a grand purpose

I need no rescues

I have slain many demons

This mirror is by far my hardest

I declare this & so it is written

I have awoken!

Adults take responsibility

They don’t blame this or that

They face facts

Sift through things said, events, stories told…

If you are told of a situation, at that moment your gut tells you to believe it or if its bullshit

Hands down, your gut instincts never deceive you

Gut instincts go hand and hand with common sense

If it walks like a duck, waddles like one

It usually is…

Like I said, hands down