Beauty Smiles

Things fall in place

As you feel they are falling apart

I’m not in a good place

I’m sad constantly

I’m trying to be positive

But my frustration is obvious

I’m not always fun to be around

I’m cranky

My life is spinning out of control

I’m trying to be still but

One thing after another is failing

I’m letting go

& letting God take the wheel

Only he knows what races through my head

& what to do about it

I’m being still

As I sit here wondering

Thinking what of this

& what if that

I watch movies & ponder

Are you happy?

Do you realize what is being missed out on

I also wonder what exactly could have been done differently

Is there anything

Or is it exactly what it is?

I will forever be at a loss

The companionship

The friendship

All the while knowing it took forever to perfect that dance

The simple things like whats in your coffee or what’s in your tea

How do you like this prepared and that

What you will eat or what you won’t

Where you’ll go or won’t

Will you watch this movie or that

Sooner or later I will find my way

This will cause me pain until it doesn’t

That is just the way it has to be

Its sad & disappointing

But 1 day it will all be ok

Missing you

My at first sight

My dejavu

My safe place

My safety net

My punchline maker

My favorite partner in crime

Once, my dream come true

My world tour

Wishes in the air

Balloons swaying in the breeze

Some memories are good

& some aren’t which is ok

At 1 point or another

Both won’t feel like pain slamming me across the chin

Visions of you evaporating like smoke rings

Stop holding back

& write what you feel

Bc deep down only my heart needs to heal

Its not up for discussion

A conversation or debate

These are my thoughts

& my opinion is all that really needs this space

I spent far too much time afraid to hurt others with my thoughts

& now here it is

I don’t honestly give a shit

Im going to write until I can’t anymore

So its not my problem if you feeling are swept off the floor

When you follow a plan

& stay true to your heart

Watching cetain shows has always been a thing

ID, The First 48 & Forensic files to name a few

But in my semi depression

Ive chosen to over dose on the Hallmark

Christmas I July specials

I’m a firm believer that this is a holiday far under celebrated

I want it to happen everyday of the year

It lightens the spirit

& brings a sense of joy

Remi ds me to always pray for a miracle

Opening your heart is never a lost cause

Santa truly bring what’s in your heart

Every year I need reminding to NEVER GIVE UP

It My be corny

& a fairytale

& I will keep my focus

All framed with elation 😂 ❤

After doing things the hard way

I finally learned to be true to myself

Thing may not be pretty

& or wrapped in a Bow

Bit if they are meant to be

It will most definitely be so!

I’ve

Im looking at the views on my posts that I write

Russia, Canada & China to name a few

I never thought anyone would look

Or pay attention to what I write

How did these people find me

To track what I’ve done

Its crazy to think

My life’s stories are read

Like a spider’s web being spun

When I have a flow in my mind

I try to put it down

So I won’t loose the thoughts

To be re read later for fun

One day I’ll write a mystery

& tell tales of who lives & dies

When I close my eyes

I see his face

I know each little each of the marks and whiskers

& where they are placed

Sometimes I miss him

& sometimes I don’t

How did we get here

At a point where in my mind we will never again speak

Our bond was strong

Through thick & thin

Even through the mistakes

That took years to repair

All our movies & songs

Tells a significant love story

We knew all the lines

& constantly shared them with each other

As a simply reminder

That we would always be there for each other

With my mistakes, I was forgiven

& im not sure if I can do the same

Only time will tell

How that part will end

I know I will forever love him

But my hand will not stroke his cheek again

Everyday I tell myself that I’m ok

I guess realitynis I’m just afraid

I relied on that safe place that is no longer mine

He asked me once to share what I saw when I look in the sky

Plainly knowing the obvious was not it at all

I look for guidance in those no longer with us

Praying they will give me the strength

To get through, what my heart really needs

Its sad I can’t ask you

Those were the days

So long

& good bye

How do I see things

Pretty clear is what I thought

But its not until you feel like a failure

That things become so clear

Its not like a rainbow

Or a kaleidoscope view

That makes the brain play a game

That is simply not real

Being a good person is sometimes just not enough

To gIn the respect from the ones that you try so hard to love

I give & i give

& feel like I am falling short

& then realize I am doing too much

& others become lazy

Leaving so comfortable in all that i do

My actions become so relied upon

That they don’t think or do for themselves

I know I’m extremely hard on myself

But from now on

They have to fend for themselves

Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m enough

Full well knowing I should trust my gut

1 little step at a time is all i can take

So from now on

Self love is my primary focus indefinitely

Of all the non responsible people around me

Only thinking of themselves kind of people

Blaming everyone else people

Selfish people

I was told today that I’m always angry

I’m not fun to be around

Everyone walks on eggshells because of my attitude

Wow what the bloody fuck

Noone else cooks

Or even attempts to try

Noone else cleans up after themselves or Bella

If there is a family meal, I cook it

& not a fucking soul thinks about doing the dishes

I’m told they do but in all reality noone does

I’m told I complain about everything

Are you fucking kidding me?

Not a soul but myself notices that a sink of dishes can start to smell?

Oh that’s right, I complain about everything!

Think about that? How fucking long do dishes need to sit in a sink before they smell….. just curious, how long?

I tookk this job bc I need to support my shit

This job is hard & physically difficult

But I’m an asshole bc I need to sleep so much to recover

I’m so beat the fuck up that I sometimes leave my coffee cup on the side table..

OK, I take that but if you can form your mouth to bitch about it…

Why leave it there instead of placing it in the sink?

Oh that’s right… if ya fucking ass can’t help clean why in fuck sake would putting a muthah fuckin cup in the sink make sense? Duh

Shmfh,…. pathetic honestly

This asshole claims to be grateful after all the household shit I’ve fixed

Porch redone, flowers front & back planted…. the deck, power washed,, stained & carpeted…

Oh I took off $500 of your rent

Mother fuck you & your rent

Selfish bitch, that shit easily would have cost her $2500 up 6,000

All the foam molding everywhere to stop bugs from getting everywhere too…

Rearranging and cleaning out the entire garage…

Oh let’s not forget the new fence door rebuilt for the side fence….

There really no give & take

Selfish ass taker, only thinks of herself as always

Like your doing me a fucking favor

The disgust runs deep

She told me today that I’m pathetic for being 50 & living with her

Funny she never said that shit about Luis

This opportunistic selfish muthah fuckah plays into whom ever can fit into her selfish ass plan

Funny she was ok with Luis until he got caught fucken Jenny in this very house

Then she kicked him out

Looking back on this shit

All I can do is shake my head

I will do my best to make it through

Not to take things too seriously

To just breathe

To be ok with what I can’t control

Let life happen

Be on the moment

I tend to be too serious

Trying to keep things in functional order

I need to let things go

Go with the flow

Be more patient

I’ve been letting too much get to me

Letting people stress me out

Becoming too depressed

My body is so sore from this job

& all I need to do is relax

If people don’t want to be in my life

I’m allowing myself to be ok with them going

Its like grieving

There are many stages

I’m getting better with accepting it

Being still

Freeing my mind

Not feeling quilty

Being accountable for myself ONLY

Truly practicing self care

Loving myself enough to be at peace

Because I deserve it