Beauty Smiles

I feel lost, does he

do I cross his mind, like he does mine

is it worth going over the thoughts of him

that smile he was my blue M&M

that energy… sometimes just why

the headache is just not worth the call

the good times are meant to be memories

nothing is ever good after the failure the millionth do over

I miss his face…. goofy ass faces

I don’t miss his annoying tiraids

I just need to forget

its making me crazy

all the lies, for why

looking back none of it was real, was it?

I feel like a joke & again

the past is the past, I need to leave it there

hurt feelings seem to always be mine

erased pictures that he’d torn & burned

thrown away like they never mattered

like I never mattered

the flashy clothes, and changing styles

I miss being part of a bigger family

his bigger family

but they turned on me & mine like we were a virus

no faith, no understanding and worse the lack of empathy

he didn’t even try, I should have known better

the youthful have such big talk of dreams but no effort or follow through

the projects finished and some that were not

he never minded helping I miss that

saying goodbye is never easy

I could have been nicer & not yelled

but I was angry & meant what I said

he was all about himself

boasting about all the things he wanted, knowing I was struggling

without a thought I really trusted and expected him to be reliable

the mind plays tricks

the truth is always said in anger

& the mind remembering good times is confusing

the bad times were bad

good times were really good

it was really toxic

I was called an angel, & now a demon

I just couldn’t make it work anymore

they just said it was made my fault

just painful

I have difficulties saying things out loud

I give people far too many chances for fear of being rude

I fear saying things out loud for the fear of odd things happening

I no longer keep my mouth shut because silent suffering is a fear

I have hearing issues so saying things out loud is a form of control

If I miss someone and I say thier name they call or text

I just want to be happy “out loud”

I want someone to actually take the effort to love my truthfully, honestly and for God sake “Out loud”

I deserve being loved and being taken care of “Out loud”

ok so I wish it

I want it

and I’m waiting

So, I’ve constantly thought someday I’d get mine

I reflect on signs

I know deep down, doing the same thing over & over will not change my result

I’m simply a work in progress

I’ve been sent a sign

& I won’t ignore it

So, I’ve taken a deep breath

let my walls down a little bit

and I’m talking to him

His image, reminds me of a safe place

his texts are so sweet

calming & familiar

I’m not even sure why

texting to me, is like reading directly what’s on someone’s mind

this simple action, takes only seconds

he asked to read my writing

& as I write he is doing just that….

reading my pain, splashed all across these electronic pages

& like a breeze, I think of my Dad

I reached out the other day… no response which makes me sad

Funny, these 2 men have the same name

As I am writing, he is reading & I’m in shock

he’s presently reading my pain

I take a deep breath and talk to God

I know I’m being vulnerable

I’m taking this as a sign

I’m allowing someone to see me naked

I’m in shock

I’m honored, nervous and scared to allow that to happen

I’m unapologetically allowing someone to read my soul

I guess, I’ll just have to relax and see where this all will go

this will not be pleasant

it will not be over quickly

you will not enjoy this

you were not my king

I am not your Queen

for the idea of being into ONLY older women to be planted in my mind

I would expect you’d have SOME home training

but fuck no…..

Ya have to be reminded to shower

& wash your damned scalp

or brush your teeth

to think that the hip sway from side to side is more enjoyable rather than the classic slow stroke from back to front

on that alone, its not a spoon in a tea cup….. get the stroke right son

or to make little Willie jump & poke an ass cheek while spooning.. it is uncomfortable, seriously… all fucking night long?

childish and straight immature honestly

while attempting to be seductive, 1 stroke, 2 strokes & 3…. Jesus It’s not a rocket blaster… or a nail gun… slow down Hause… wtf

for a mother to constantly co-sign “he only dates older women!”

Jesus bitch, were they your friends? oh that must be why ya don’t have any… lord smfh

he didn’t learn bedroom etiquette either…. if I rolled over & tooted anything up it was so I didn’t have to look at ya…. (in my mind) Jesus get it over with…. and no funny business or I’ll knocked your fucking teeth out

wtf & for real why?

cosigned by a woman that can’t hug hello during Covid but can sure as hell smoke & drink & grind in my lap

when guttural growling through your teeth was an attempt at forcing your hand in an argument….

how hysterical with wide eyes my response

As you learned….. tone it down hauss- no I’m not phased….. & sit down

the attempt to bark louder each intended arguement…. calm it down young blood

this seasoned lady will ease you back with an eye brow lifted and a snicker before I ever show an once of fear

the claims of killing a man & affiliates in the bloods and the stories of fighting got me second guessing your manliness

if these are facts? why in every argument are you left crying like a bitch?

I’m so sorry, I’ll never leave you…. there is nothing in this world you could ever do to have me leave your side

oh but I’m supposed to tolerate the lies

So you say….. you didn’t give half-assed pipe to the quote unquote skinny stripper for a place to stay lol

all the while your playing best friend to a dude with a black man being linched on his chest… & fuckingvhis stripper daughter… & he let you? I’ll leave that right there

oh when you realized I don’t get jealous, that must have really messed with your mind

I realized you were only in love because you were homeless… noone falls in love faster than that!!!!

when I hold you accountable for your own actions & promises and your mad

the older women you dealt with sure must have been trash because I should never have had to retrain a thing

or tolerate the nonsense…

I’m certainly not going to stand for an arrest record with those charges

Dude, for real? online solicitation of minors? & you claim to be catfished?

& I’m supposed to stand by your side as you explain the story of how you got in that situation to begin with

Yes, I’m done… your family is only upset with me because I won’t “take you off their hands!”

they are clearly afraid of your temper.. I’m confused? what temper more like a temper tantrum

think about that…. I won’t stand for the nonsense you put out, & I’m the bad guy?

I’ll have material and jokes forever on that! jokes, jokes & more jokes!

I never should have uttered a word about…. . do some dishes or take out the trash… these are a given or mandatory hand over your man card, period

but you sure could sit back & be annoyed when you didn’t get some ass

am I missing a page or 2 in the life of You? …..I think NOT. you’ll be back sooner or later…

& normally I bank on this fact…. in time

Its the point if no return… You said “delete my shit” wish granted ~

& I meant that shit UNPLUGGED!

No, I’m not at my best & I feel like a complete failure but I never treated you like any other way than a potential life partner

I gave you the chance Hause & you blew it..

family memebers gave it less than a year….. I gave you a few too many options and nothing…

you just couldn’t Boss up

I guess now I can close that chapter for good

& here it is written and will be left as only I do

I will apologize for yelling but not for a single word that I said, peroid!

what I said is what I said & I meant that shit!

that the pain will one day subside

that things will not ever be the same

that no matter what happens I will always try to be better

those feeling deep down will always remain the same

no matter how close or far away… you’ll still be my purple tree

on a level that will be only our own

in a space that noone else can comprehend

its a mindset you have no knowledge of

our destiny and fate will collide again

as it was, it will be again

the paths we’ve taken have not always been the same

and experiences have not been the same

but what once was will come full circle

we will cross paths once again

I will not allow you to deceive me again

you will feel the fractured shards of my heart

what comes around goes around

I will be present to visibly see your Karma

with wine & popcorn see the end result

you thought it was over but its not

How do you find your way, when you’ve lost all the important pieces of your heart?

Renee had a way of making sense of it all

setting records straight & all with a smile

she never had judgment or evil thing to say

I miss her everyday

it never matter how much time passed

it was always right where we had left off

on days the warm breeze grazes my cheek

I know she’s there

when butterflies dances around I know she is near

when rainbows appear, I know she is sending me hope

I know one day it will all be ok

I know I fell down a rabbit hole

I know I’m having trouble finding my way

remembering her laugh sometimes brings me back

even with my lingering depression in the air

her memory sometimes brings me unbridled hope & sometimes peace

I miss you Renee, my life is missing your friendship

I’m missing the air I breathe

I’m not trying to be selfish and beg for time

but if I only had one more day

at least then I’d be able to say Goodbye

Depression is a demon

I’m having a hard time

I’m doing my best to keep it together

I’ve had those closest to me lie straight to my face

I’ve had them treat me like I’m crazy

treated me like I’m not worthy

treated me like my sacrifices are meaningless

like my pain isn’t worth thier time

In a room full of people I feel alone

my own insecurities has convinced me that having less than worthy people in my life was on because I didn’t want to be alone

so I’ve stepped back

given those folks nothing but space

I’m not being overly sensitive

I’m feeling genuine severe pain

its a simple as statements made without disregard for how I may take those words

I’ve been told that I’m fierce with my words

to be exact,,, “I’m savage!”

I’ve had my heart trampled on in ways that I’m finding it almost impossible to recover

to those I’ve hurt, I truly have made the efforts to make amends

to some close to 20 years worth

I chose to no longer hear your words of humiliation

but to hear my own of uplifting positivity & self encouragement

in this battle I am truly alone

I will NOT be high jacked into relationships

I refuse to let others falsify my truths

if you’re against me, trust me…

You have no place here

I will not be silent or turn a blind eye

but I will give you silence

you think about the words spoken the ripped through me like a knife

& if you don’t remember them, I will be more than happy to place them upon the table for you to dissect

chew back up & mull over alone, just as you made me feel when you said them

if you hurt me & now no longer have access to me, ask yourself why

its so hard not to throw out names & lay peoples bullshit bare

believe me its coming

play with me if you want to…

I’ll bust that can of worms wide the fuck open

the aftermath is all on you

Will never leave me

Uou pop up unexpectedly

Its like your always with me

Sometimes it hurts

& sometimes brings me peace

Iim learning to accept those choices made

I never meant to be selfish

Its not about a ring

Thoughts of you never leave me

Kinda part of being a memory

We are connected

Magically joined in history

Its the light that brings a brightness to the soul

Through this pandemic we’ve all had a touch of depression

Trying to see the positive in all the negative floating around

The realization that noone can bring happiness to you & that its only found within

2020 has brought an immense amount t of pain

In the darkness of the deepest oceans there is beauty

In the shallows of the coral reefs there is beauty

In the center of a wounded heart there is beauty

Within a tormented souls there is Beauty

Flaws are beautiful

Just gaze on the gold filled cracks of a Japanese bowl

Beauty is everywhere, can we find it

Avoid pointless arguments & be comfortable saying No

Each journey starts with a small step

Take the step and allow your heart to heal

Courageously find the confidence to enjoy peace inside your own soul

I close my eyes and take a deep breath and allow myself to be free

I’ve said no & now I’m learning how to be free

So, I heard this story & thought this relates to my life in so many ways! the author is unknown to me but wanted to share:

My life has been filled with so many storms

but this storm strikes my heart…….

There once was a man

that was caught in a storm

& he thought to himself

“God will save me!”

just as the storm started a Sleigh came to him & he politely refused

Saying” God will save me!” & away went the sleigh with a slow pace in the breeze

& the storm slowly got stronger and the snow came to the man’s knees

as he looked up and some time had passed,

here comes the sliegh with the intent to help the man & bring him to rest

& again very politely the Man refused stating, “I know God will saved me!”

the sleigh went into the night slipping away with no reprieve

Again, the storm picked up and was not relenting at all

The man was covered with snow all the way to his chest

& again, slowly approaching was the sliegh to take the man so he could rest

Of course without hesitation the man Politely refused saying, “Don’t worry I know God will save me!”

and the sligh wisked away and not very much later in the freezing cold the man drifted off to sleep

The poor man passed away in the snow, in that sad freezing grave

At the gates to enter Heaven the man came upon the lord

& he simply said, I had faith and sadly you didn’t save me

May I ask why”

Our Peaceful Lord and Savior simply said

I sent the sliegh for you 3 times and you always refused!

I gave you the opportunity and you didn’t see the sign

If I ever send you back maybe you will see the gift that is given

and not give into your pride

The Lord smiled and simply said,

“Sometimes my children miss my signs and rotate in purgatory until they recognize”

The Moral is clear: and I have added my own little pieces

because my life fits in so many ways