Author: anne8991

For the love of God, she calls herself a mother….  Why? I have asked myself this question so many times, it is almost like the title itself makes absolutely ~no sense.  What kind of mother is she anyway? What kind of mother puts a price tag on love? What on earth made her so blatantly calas to her own daughter? Yup~ that’s me~ she’s actually done all of it & with no remorse~ I used to defend her, at all cost~  in the name of Jesus. That’s my mother & no one can talk bad about her… like she was the goddess & pure example of motherhood as if she was gliding down the runway at a fashion show, & then watch her in public with that fake ass smile & proud strut ( like a peacock) just flaring the feathers as if she was perfect.  It’s like I came out & the Cha-ching dollar sounds started going off. Did she think that having children was like playing monopoly? I have this piece & I win this and that? 

what kind of mother spends the better part of her child’s life shaming her, speaking so harshly to anyone that would listen & having everyone so convinced, that I am this horrible person? like it’s gospel, straight out the holy book & all about a child she created? Me!!!!!

I can’t even count the number of people that she has destroyed my character to, including all of my children. I used to joke that I learned to swear like her as if it was a grand prize The women made cussing an actual art form, a masterpiece of the most outrageous concoctions that existed. Ya, like that is something to be proud of… Holy smokes Batman! 

I remember a time when all I wanted to do was be just like her, what in the holy Crustashions was I thinking… I remember watching her at family functions: where out of the clear blue things would come out of her mouth that would clear a room, no one would speak of it because if the words came out of our mouths to question there would be actual hell to pay! The venom that would spill rom her mouth would & could level an actual country. 

I unapologetically speak of it, to set it free, from my mind, my heart and best of all to heal. 

I have questioned things like; who is my biological father? & received answers like, “Why must you bring up my past, I certainly never want to revisit that.”  At one point in my life I was given 2 names, Like that would miraculously shut me up or persuade me never to ask again. This subject has been a bone of contention for so long it’s become “A family joke.”

It’s been made such a joke that my 3 three children have actually stated (with her influence of course) that I should just be happy that I got 2 names. Like that  was a blue ribbon winning pig at the farmers auction! “Hey mom!” they’d say, “at least you got that.” Hmmmm, really!

what in the bloody hell kind of mind thinking is that anyway?  I’m angry, hurt, frustrated & just simply dumbfounded at the utter lack of human decency. 

I used to defend her,  what in the name of Lucifer was I thinking? , That’s my mother & no one can talk bad about her… like she was the goddess of all goddesses & the pure example of motherhood?~ It’s not like she was gliding down the runway at a fashion show, & then to watch her in public with that fake ass smile & proud strut ( like a peacock) just flaring the feathers as if she was perfect. 

Its like my mind is racing so fast with all the memories I have in my head that there is absolutely no way that my fingers can keep up with all that I want to type,

Here is a great story~ & a perfect example of how my mother makes everyone else accountable for her poor judgement and actions… Making them the fall guy for her insensitivity & shitty character….      Here it goes nothing

I remember the time that my whole family was in the driveway to head out for a family vacation, which should be jolly fun, right?…   & I’m sitting in the back seat, in the middle as I always did so my head would be in between the head rests of my mom & my dad.. Here I am & I have this great idea that I am going to ask my dad what happened at the hospital when I was born,

Ya~ you think this is going to be a cute story,,, ya know like all kids want to hear… He fainted or some crazy cute thing that always happens… ya uh no. I look at my dad~ “So dad what was it like when mom had me, you know when I was born”…. He’s silent & looks at my mom… “Ummm I don’t know I wasn’t there….”  So I’m like, “ok so you were in the waiting room, waiting for them to let you in”… “Uh, no I wasn’t there”… “Ok so you were at the bar down the street having a beer, right… waiting for me to get here, right?” “Uhhhh no I wasn’t there”… The whole time he is looking at my mom… as if she was supposed to say something… Nope total silence..

   I am a persistent kid & keep prodding to get the reason he is saying nope I wasn’t there..

“Ok so you were at  work, right?… that’s why you weren’t there”… still looking at my mom & deafening distant silence. I turn to him again & out pops, “no missy I wasn’t there, I’m not your father”… 

To this day it was like the entire memory disappears like smoke… I’m an utter blank…  I remember most all of our family trips, bits and pieces anyway.

Nope not that one… I don’t remember the car ride, the normal stops for gas or even what great place dad brought us… it’s all a blank…. It’s as if that entire trip I’d gone blind.

I remember our trip to disney, I remember hershey park, yellowstone, swimming with manatees in florida, the trip to busch gardens.. But that trip, wiped clean, can’t remember anything.

 As I look back with adult eyes, it all makes sense…  I can’t even imagine what dad was thinking in those moments ~Jeez Jinnie could ya help me out here? I don’t wanna break this child’s heart. I have to tell her the truth because she needs to know, I can’t believe there is not a sliver of help for this question to cushion the blow, nope my mother sat in silence…..

I can honestly say that I even remember the look on his face as he told me, it was like he didn’t want to but couldn’t bring himself to lie. Again, it was like I completely blacked out after those words were said. I remember the car we were in, I remember the smell of grass. I even remember that it wasn’t even an extremely hot summery day, it was somewhat over cast, a  summer day but not particularly hot.

Sometimes, I often wondered throughout the years if this wasn’t something she had planned on using  later to hurt us both. How can someone’s mother, moreover my mother specifically be so eagerly pleased by bringing her child such pain?

Over the years the stories I’ve been told are all convoluted, they always change and never too many details but always with this undertone of deep resentment that I should never have even asked in the first place.   I guess I will never really know her reasoning and I should be happy that 2 names given , right?

That’s it for now…. Until next time

Renee Proctor, was the one safe place that I had. God chose to take her home to rest. May calming place was gone, & from then until now ~my best memory is and was her infectious smile, and contagious laugh!

As I opened my eyes today, I realized not everyone will like the way I see and do things, & that’s okay! I know my heart & that is all that matters!

My Anam Cara ~ my Soul Friend, sistah and best friend ~ 

I am a very private person you know this, so choosing this avenue was a difficult decision for me. I do not like to feel vulnerable & I do not like feeling uncomfortable. As I write I feel a sense of release, a tranquility that shines a light in a dark place. Renee is in everything I do, the purple butterfly is her and my inspiration, as shown on my cover page.

No one is the writer of my truth, I am…. She would constantly remind me of that! I am not here to please others. It’s time for me to start being okay with saying, “NO!” I love myself enough, to know that when I need to make a change for my own personal growth, emotional health, mental well being that is what I need to do.

I will not allow others to dictate, manipulate or coerce me into feeling guilty. I am learning to accept that in some situations people viewed me with their eyes & their perceptions. It’s okay to have an opinion but, it it not okay to make your perception fact. That is their truth as they see it, It’s not mine!

I have many relationships in my life that are damaged & changing. I am trying to rebuild those that are in a place of wreckage and others are changing as life does. I know you hear me when I tell you what’s going on… “Are you E’ffing kidding me?” your classic line….. ya~ I know right, it’s crazy!

Renee, I see the cardinals and the butterflies and they bring me comfort… I know you are watching, I miss you…. Forgive me for sometimes being angry, I’m not trying to be selfish. I know that I am not the only one that misses you, Everyday!

It’s taken me a few days to come back to this writing as I was overwhelmed with exactly what I wanted to say to you. I miss your voice and laughter, & how you always understood the meaning of everything I was expressing even if it wasn’t said out loud.

I woke up today with a renewed sense of hope. My future is bright, This is my path & I own it. I will not allow anyone to make me feel ashamed of it. The things that I share are my view and mine alone!

There are people that have hurt me, know this~ I survived! The people that I have hurt, know I’m truly sorry! An apology can be given but it is solely upon the recipient whether it is received and accepted. No amount of “I’m Sorry” carries its weight if it is not received with the sincere intent that it is given.

1 Corinthians 3:4-8 Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

It’s a shame to try & make me feel guilty for my thoughts or feelings. So many of the relationship in my life have been damaged for this reason or that. They are not perfect, they are sometimes a masterpiece, some are in the process of being rebuilt, others completely destroyed, because there is no accountability owned. I realize that some people would prefer to make me out the bad guy vs owning their part & I’m okay with that.

Mistakes that I have made have been placed on billboards for everyone to throw their 2 cents at, was it worth it? The saying goes, “Those who live in a glass houses shouldn’t throw stones!” You better have your crap together if you think you can speak against me….

just a few thoughts… until later

Sometimes, it’s hard to think of exactly where to start. I am reflecting on the things that have changed my life in the pasted 2 years. I will start with Luis’s accident as I recall it, and the rest will follow…. If you think that reading this will hurt you, than please don’t continue reading.

I am Okay, with pouring my heart out into words. It’s a refection of who I am, and continue to become. I need to become the best version of myself, that I can be. I have let those who read it know that I have no malice, or ill intentions by sharing how I feel. These are My thoughts and feelings, this healing process is for me.

There are many people that feel or think they have the right to make judgement or criticize events that have happened between Luis and I. Newsflash, NOT so much! I have never been interested in the opinions of others, and still don’t to this day.

So, Luis has been in my life since I was 15, and has remained in it regardless of the roles we maintain in each others lives. There have been times when we were estranged, and times made the choice to continue Our journey together. When you have someone in your life, like he has been in mine, it is imperative when you have children or just respect for one another to remain in contact. You don’t always have to like their choices or even their actions, to be respectful.

The phone call that changed my life & my family: My phone rings and its very late, unusual & it went like this~ “Hey~ I don’t know where I am, I need you to help me, what are you doing? can you come, I hurt.” (He never says he hurts) Thinking it was a joke at first. I told him to call out, sitting through the torture of listening to him scream in pain felt like forever, until… a voice came to the phone. “Mrs Colon, your husband is in the ER, can you come quickly?” I looked at my daughter, scrambling in my mind how to tell her without panicking her, “we need to go to dad, right now he’s been in an accident.” In an instant, I called Daniel, “meet us at this ER, Dad is there, I have Toni with me & they will explain once we get there.” Immediately thinking, Alex can’t know until we have all the details.

So, I’m driving down 1960 with Toni to get to the hospital, and like a flash passing me is Daniel… I call him, UUmmm can you slowdown & turn around, You have passed the turn & I don’t want you in the bed next to Dad… We all need to arrive in one piece….

When we all first arrived, I could see confusion in Luis’s face…. who were we? Buddy? Baby girl? why are they calling me that? Through the frozen responses & the distance in his eyes~ it settled in my head that he didn’t have a clue who we were at that moment. The ER doctor & his nurse were clear that my phone number, was the only thing that he could remember.

When I kissed him on the forehead, a brief smile came across his face, & a tiny squeeze of my hand. He said, “I’m so glad you are here…. can you help me?” I’m thinking, it’s all gonna be okay. I had no clue at the time, what exactly had happened to him. After a short amount of visiting the ER doctor came in, to explain how Luis got there. “Mrs Colon, he is a very lucky man, if it weren’t for his size, this accident would have been fatal for him.”

I watched this man close to deaths door, to see the pain in his eyes and understand that he felt like giving up because he thought himself broken. He would continue to say over and over~ “I’m useless, I can’t do anything, how am I going to work….?, Everything hurts, I can’t move my legs, will I ever get out of this bed?”

After continuous prodding by the Occupational staff & my nagging to get himself going. He was very reluctant, to move, he was so angry that he couldn’t remember these simple tasks, that may seem so easy to others. These things troubled him, made him feel useless & broken. I know it killed his spirit to feel so helpless and vulnerable. He learned very quickly to have faith in his own inner strength, to trust his own body mechanics. The process of sitting up, rolling over & dangling his legs of the edge of the bed.

The relearning process for other things began, the pleasure in his face as he relearned how to brush his own teeth, shave his own face. The showering process was slower but, we got through it. He expressed many times, how embarrassing it was for him to have me to assist taking a shower, but to me it was easy, I felt like he saw me again, I finally felt like he needed me. I felt I had purpose for him again, & nothing in the world mattered! By being there for him and his healing was my entire world.

I can honestly say there have been times in my life where I have felt so invisible to him, but in these moments… Priceless~ everything was going to be okay! I would do silly things to make him laugh, and bring him things to make him smile. Oh & there were times when his smile was the only thing that got me through the day.

On the third day, when he was able to completely get out of bed, I found that he had been laying on pieces of shattered glass, from his windshield. His face still had small cuts, his chest, shoulders, arms, legs & all across his back still covered with small cuts. It was heart breaking to know that he had been laying on this glass for days because we couldn’t get him up any earlier. Never the less he was on his way to recovering, still here & with a will to get better.

It wasn’t until many days later, after occupational therapist session and his first walk with me down the hallway to get water that, He says’ “I want to tell you something, have you seen those videos of people getting out their wisdom teeth?” Me: “Of course, why?” Did you see the one, where the guy looks at the lady talking to him and says… who are you? and she says, silly I’m your wife! He looks at her with a huge smile & says; JACKPOT! Thank God! Me: “Why?” He says, that is exactly what I thought when I realized who you were! & that’s my Luis… charming, clever, lovable, completely vulnerable, and a side he rarely shows anyone!

The home recovery process lead us down very uncharted territory. I was not used to Luis being on any kind of pain medication, and the cranky that followed. Nor was I expecting him to use this in the future as if it would be okay, for him to behave irrationally. I had to keep reminding myself that these are all behaviors of someone that has suffered a very serious traumatic brain injury, including broken ribs, the lower spine fractures, a punctured lung and a blood clot in his leg. He was sometimes irritable and unreasonable, which is completely out of his character. I’m used to his playing music & singing and in general being a jokester in many different ways.

While in the hospital he displayed flickers of irritation but it was tolerable, then during his admission at rehabilitation stay as well. It wasn’t too too long before he came home & the real rehab began. The following months started out pretty well but were increasingly getting worse. At times, there were out bursts almost temper tantrums and the name calling. I knew some of it may happen but at times it was just unbearable.

Once, he was cleared to go back to work, things started looking better and better and his routine settled in. We were back to watching movies at the movies but mostly cuddling on the couch like we always did, going out to eat and most importantly spending time with our children as always.

It wasn’t until I started noticing every now and again, he would disappear for a couple days a weekend. I didn’t really pay it mind because he would come home off & on for a brief time and go back out. It was when he would be taking quick showers and change his clothes that struck my attention & Huge alarms were going off. What in the devil is he up to?….

Thanksgiving came and went, the Christmas…. He would always call me & ask me to run errands for him, no big deal right? One particular errand sticks out in my mind. He asked me to pick up some non-perishable food for a co-worker because his house burnt down. Telling me that he had children with a range of ages so, onto the task & I picked up a range of items. It took me a couple hours, so I brought them to his job. We had conversation, everything seemed normal until I was about to leave. Oddly, he wouldn’t kiss me goodbye~ My heart sank, I was clear & told him… what happens in the dark will come to the light, so whatever you’re doing will reveals itself!

Sure enough, just after Christmas I come across a post on facebook of all places…. Tears began rolling down my face & a pain in my chest that I can never describe~ I read ~ Luis is in a relationship with someone else. I called him, and don’t you know it… Yup~ is all he said. Like he had just bought a new pair of sneakers, not boastful not at all sincere, said without a care in the world ~ My heart is shattered as he confirms, he sure was… I just wanted to throw up.

It’s a damn shame that this man, I held so dear can rip me apart like it’s nothing. Family members didn’t share all those months because they felt t wasn’t their place. Everyone knew but me? OUCH! ~ just OUCH! I can say, from that very day until this day, right now~ I have good days & bad days…. the pain never really goes away. It all sometimes fades as I become occupied with whatever I maybe doing & BOOM, it smacks me right in the face!

I have tried to move on with someone else but all I did was hurt him because I’m not done healing myself. Hurting him was never my intention, Not ever! I will never be able to repair that. One day maybe he will forgive me? I thought I was ready, but truth is: I’m not.

I’ve heard, the opposite of love is hate~ I do not agree! The opposite of love, in my opinion is indifference, I am So NOT there yet. I tried to be okay with the whole situation but I will never support lies, deceit and family deception. I reached out to the new someone & tried to wish them well. Of course, with no response…. Funny, looking back now… she watched my facebook posts about Luis & I for months before I found out “The Secret” & boom, like a flash she disappeared from my friend list. How you got him, is how you will loose him…. truth be told!

He told me at one point, I told her it’s complicated between us (meaning he & I). She is different, she isn’t jealous, intimidated or scared of you. Why would those even be contributing factors or ever a topic of conversation between them to begin with….. Ummm HELLO~ First of all, I’m pretty damn intelligent & when you preface a conversation with that. Those are exactly what she is…. If he deceived me, then he will do it to her… case closed!

I will never understand the reasoning in his mind, that leading me on was an option~ That’s NOT okay! There is no excused good enough. I have gone through months of no contact, I’ve tried so many different things to put this all out of my mind. I will always question why he couldn’t just tell me straight out. Like I said before, over the years we have had many different phases of our relationship. For goodness sake, we were friends First! So, the misleading me thing just eludes me on so many levels.

Again, I put these thoughts regarding this particular subject is here as a tool to heal myself. My journey to regaining my inner strength is not up for discussion, so if you have something negative to say ~Kindly keep it to yourself. I am not going to apologize, feel guilty or amuse that input in any way. I am not obligated to shield anyone from how I feel, they are my feelings & thoughts to share as I see fit.

This is not to placate to anyone else’s distorted ego. What they did is what they did, they alone have to live with the consequences, which destroyed the dynamics of an entire family.

I have left a lot of the negative off because this journey is about my healing, my release and about my own self discovery. Things will get better in time…… I have faith!

That is all for now….. until next time

I am uneasy getting used to change & it’s sometimes very scary. I try on a daily basis to be a better person than I was yesterday. No, I am not always successful in that process. It’s not always comfortable but sometimes a very needed process to become the best version of yourself.

There are so many things that have changed for me in the last year or 2, that have left me with no outlet or release. It’s almost suffocating thinking of where exactly to start. I’ve had changes is most all of the relationships in my life. There have been some remarkable people that have come to me, and some people that I thought would never leave, that have left.

I’m leaving out names for the sake of privacy. I choose to take this path because it’s not right to include them because quite frankly I’ve not asked their permission yet.

So, here is a little about me. I am a mother of three grown young adults (my children will always be my babies in my eyes), a spunky spastic fury baby~ Ava. In the last year, I’ve gained a beautiful Grand daughter (my most precious gift). I’ve been rebuilding myself in the best ways I can. I’m mending soured relationships, caused by myself & others while trying to be mindful, that speaking my truth can be difficult to relay as well as received. It’s still a huge work in progress. Yes ,I can see the light in some cases & its still a bit dim in others.

The sole purpose of this blog is to continue to heal myself & who knows… maybe y sharing a small part of myself, I can help someone else along the way. I’ve made many errors in my life that I just can’t erase. I know that Loving myself was the first step. I know I love myself, which is one thing but to forgive myself, that’s a completely different animal.

My sister says” keep it simple!” it was all I could do to keep from saying, “Hey, have you met me before or did you forget who you are talking to…… (lol) , nothing is ever just that simple ~ anxiety and fear can play serous tricks on you when you are doing something new & I can’t thank her enough for the little push, to have faith in myself…

Quoted from Hope Floats~ “Beginnings are scary, Endings are usually sad but it’s the middle that counts the most!” & one of my my all time favorite is: “My cup runneth over.”

Good night for now,……

As I sit here, on my mom’s back porch, with my ‘lil’ big sister. We have been sharing ideas & talking about life, laughing over the silliest things (some funny some serious), crying together about moments we’ve endured & doing as we always do, regardless of the time we spend apart for this reason or that. I realize how important I needed sister time. Life brings unexpected challenges & changes all the time. My heart needed this, much more than my words can Express. I see in her things I don’t even think she is aware of. She has gifts to share that we are just beginning to uncover. I have contemplated blogging for so long & BOOM with a smile only she gives, I’m a blogger now, with her help. I’m petrified but here I am… Thank you Amanda, wish me luck!!….. & the journey begins..

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton