Author: anne8991

There will be days that I remember you with a smile and sometimes a tear, but I await true love that someday will apear.

The actions shown were predatory, your intent was made clear.

Mark my words, there is no love lost for you here.

Your karma has struck you swift as a dart. I’m laughing as I hear.. the pain within your voice as you shed a tear.

Wearing your mask to mislead me as you speak, I’m not the fool you thought me to be, so kick rocks with those feet and stay the fuck away from me.

I giggle when you call me because I’m the one you will always seek.

All the she’s you place in your path, pile up so very high & your silly ass can’t see, that wrapping them all into one & none can hold a candle to the essence of ME!

You can’t see passed your nose & I am finally free of you now!

In your eyes you killed 2 birds with one stone but reality is her karma was cold & I’m the one you never leave alone.

I don’t care if any of this makes sense because it coming straight from my mind, my thoughts are mine alone.

When I think of you in my warm embrace I see the yellow snake showing me you betrayed all my good grace.

Comical how you waste your chances, as if I’ll continue to forgive. You’ve single handed destroyed a friendship- best believe one you’ll forever miss.

As your name comes across my lips, I’ll try to hold back the snicker because it makes me laugh.

You are the chapter in my past. I’m the one that got away, you’ll have to make the call & spew apologies. The essence of my memories will haunt you in your dreams!

Forget about me or Try…

I try to be diplomatic but I will admit, it’s not always easy.

Multiple different calls in the last few weeks, leave me shaking my head.

1 call confirmed what I’ve known all along. My eyes are wide open, actions proved me right.

Leopards don’t change their spots, they only fade!

I hear the conversations you’re having & sadly I have to agree what I was told was right! I tried not to be petty but you asked for it.

So without giving details, I laid out the facts, which apparently weren’t shocking to whom, I was talking to.

Do you because apparently you were all along! It’s ok, you are who you & you can’t help it!! Clearly playing victim is your shtick…. be aware~ I took it easy on you, moving forward I will be savage…

I’m not bitter as you say, I’m wiser! You underestimated me!

I’m not missing anything at all, I survived!

Until next time…

I refuse to allow what has happened to me, define who I am …as a woman!

I know that God is watching & he knows my heart. I have sacrificed enough & with true intentions in my heart.

I am not a victim, as a matter of fact, I am victorious!

I’ve dodged bullets aimed directly at my heart that hit dead on. I am wounded & I am surviving! So, those preditorial actions were wasted because I can’t be hurt unless I allow it.

You can not loose if you understand the enemy & don’t underestimate thier abilities before they strike.

If I allowed you in my heart & my life, please know that you were given an opportunity to grow & you failed.

It’s ok to love & loose if you gave, what you could with limited resources you had.

I made you feel special at all cost, with no reservation or hesitation, you were not prepared for me!

If I moved on from you it’s because choices you made comprised my integrity.

I was a listening ear & open heart. I was not a mistake, nor were my actions.

A man is only as good as he chooses to be with the right woman at his side.

For months I said I was done! You are hurt because someone else answered my phone? What? Especially with your once a month appearances… again, what?

You were cast a role with me that you were unqualified for. The role was easy if you had not been so narsasitic.

Miss me with the victim cries. All the talking about she,she,she… newsflash, she took from you that same dose of bullshit reality you tried to feed me.

So, in essence ~You put forth effort into the next SHE, expecting her to be ME & she fed you the Karma that you deserved.

Sorry I’m not sorry! You had 6 months plus of I’m done. Why you mad partnah? You were incapable of putting in the work!

So cry to ya bruh’s & tell it as you choose… that frat boy mentally is just a mask for “do her dirty dog!” & ” Get yours partnah!” Look around bruh, they are all successful & you’re NOT! Damn…..

At the end of the day, you couldn’t man up! Let that be your lesson because God knows I was presented as a blessing! You abused that.

While I have tried & sometimes failed, know this… the lesson is not in falling, it’s how you choose to pick up the pieces & get back up!

My heart is pure, flawed & imperfect but beating well passed your chapter!

I’ve turned the page!

Until next time….

I met a friend today to get her nails done & low and behold she paid for mine.

I watched as the simplest thing lifted her spirit and that glow came across her face.

As women, we sometime forget to take the time to do the small things that make us feel better. It wasn’t until I left the shop, I noticed the change in myself. I am doing my own hair now & writing as my hair sets its color.

I noticed, I put off dying my hair sometimes because it’s gotten to be a choir, as I’ve lost myself, in my own emotions.

I have got to stop doing that! I know that my emotions can sometimes rule how I let myself look, I hate that!

Personal goals are my priority & this is one of them!

I owe myself the time to heal completely, in every aspect!!

Until next time…..

I’m trying to shed my pain by putting it into words. It’s not easy sitting here constantly evaluating what makes me tick.

It’s overwhelming trying to grasp it all. So I cry because that is my only release.

I’ve helped people and had it blow up in my face. I’ve loved and lost. I’ve made mistakes and it is all in the Hope’s that one day, moving forward putting goodness into the universe will bring me peace.

I have to be honest and real with myself, and this is no fun. Its painful, knowing at times in my life I’ve hurt people and I can never take it back. The knowledge in knowing that sometimes saying “I’m sorry!” Won’t bring someone else peace hurts. Conversely, There have been people that hurt me and they won’t accept responsibility or accountability so those things can’t be taken back or undone.

I request patience in moments or weakness, love if it’s in your heart and a hug if you can.

I go the the song “Wildflower” sung by New Birth, to sum up my emotions as a whole.

I know God’s listening & he knowns my heart. God does not create JUNK!

I am worthy, I am strong, I am patient and I am just in pain, right now!

These are my thoughts!

Until next time….

At least now I know, you had no idea I existed….. My entire life I wondered, who you were, what you were like, where you were from & if the smallest of things were similar. Do I have your eyes & same color? Do we have the same smile & teeth? Do our hands look alike? Do we enjoy the same things?

I would like you to know that I was found, I would have never been able to find you… I had 2 names only. I was never given much information about you because you were not the one expected to match my DNA. The other day I was given the one piece of information that I always begged for, I am the product of a one night stand.

I do not judge you for that, it was the summer of 69, for heaven sake, it was a time of free spirited peace & love. I received a message that lifted my spirits, and then to find out that you didn’t even know I existed, I was disturbed but not shocked.

My emotions have been all over the place. After much discussion with my new family members, I am told that your present wife believes I want money.

Listen hear & let me be clear, if was created well before she was your wife #1, #2 you had no clue about me, #3 I was found, finally so that is obsurd, and quite frankly, so having that mind frame tells me exactly what type of person she is.

The reality is, I honestly don’t care if I ever set eyes on you & the simple fact that you would think I’d want anything from you monitarily, at my age is laughable.

I’m pretty diplomatic but I cant fathom that rational at all because it just doesn’t make sense.

I’m not perfect, I’m no angel but I am however a great person with a good heart. I try to be a better person than I was yesterday. I am NOT a vicious, vengeful or vindictive person at all, it is not in my nature. I am a realist!

I’m concerned to find out medical history because I’ve spent my entire life leaving the father’s side of questionnaires entirely blank.

I’m sure it was appalling to hear of my existence. Of course, I know that could throw a monkey wrench in your life. You are not the only one in shock. DNA doesnt lie and so here we are, trying to grasp it all.

So, for the most part, I’ve have a pretty good life. It has not always been perfect, I’m dealing with emotions I never felt, fighting battles I never knew I had and most importantly I’m healing from so many things that I have absolutely no control over.

I 100% agree with the movie “Hope Floats”… Beginnings are scary, the ending are sad, but it’s the middle that counts the most… just give hope a chance to float up!”

I prayed that you would be open hearted, open minded, patient and kind. The optimist in me, always prays the every person has a sliver of this within them! Do you?

It honestly doesn’t matter how I got here, what counts is what I do now. It’s about what I choose to do with my life and the things I do to make my life the best it can be.

Moving forward, being my best self, whether it being a mom, a sister, a daughter and a grandmother, a friend, it’s all my choice.

There are things that happen throughout life that leave you with feelings of betrayal & uncertainty, never ignore them.

I recently had a relationship that started a bit unorthodox for my norm. He was much younger than I am.

I’ve been through alot & thought, maybe this can work. He flawlessly gave compliments, said things that lifted my spirit, which warmed my heart. I was very sweet on him, & am still very much so to today but I always had an underlying gut feeling that something was just a bit off.

I treated him like the man in the relationship as you should. I was open and honest from the very first day of conversation. In meeting his mother, I was clear that I had no idea where this would go but we would try and regardless of anything we would remain great friends.

As time passed, I noticed things not adding up. The time lines of his history did not match to his age. There were things revealed that he did not say until I asked. I will always have love for him but in all honesty, I made more excuses for him, in my mind, than should have been allowed.

I am not going to trash his character but I will say this, if your words don’t match your actions than there in lyes a whole different problem. I will not air out every detail because it’s just not necessary, for him or myself. I listened to his words but watched his actions more.

Thinking, You can’t tell me you are SO in love with me and erase me like I never existed, while claiming to fight for an US. Every picture was removed, loving comments removed and flat out saying things in anger that can’t be explained away.

If you react in anger to an event, those reactions are your true intent.

I asked for a break because I truly believed time could fix the problem. I observed as things that needed to be done, only became achieved after his departure. I questioned, too little too late?

I whole heartedly moved forward with him the hopes that we could build something or at least try.

I do still care for him and always will but that gut instinct outweighs all. I want him to be happy in everything he does because regardless of whether we worked or not, I care for him that much.

Maturity is: saying what you mean, meaning what you say and NOT saying it mean.

Maturity is Not being hurtful, when angry. Not saying and doing things you can’t take back.

For quite some time now, I’ve been learning more and more about myself. I have to be true to myself, First! I have to listen to that inner voice, it never fails me.

Botton line; I’m loving myself enough to pour my heart into pages to free myself of anything that makes me question my own integrity.

I’m no angel and I’m not playing victim its unwarranted. I was very good to him and he knows this deep down. We tried and it didn’t work for me.

Looking back, I see manipulative behavior. I can’t accept the following: temper tantrums, out bursts or silent treatment spurts when simple things don’t work as planned.

Its unfortunate now, but the words were said, “I can’t even look at you!” So sadly I move on, he will be loved & missed, sometimes with a tear and also at times a smile.

I didn’t want it this way, but nevertheless, I will leave the pain right here!

Until next time…..

Yesterday morning…..

I cracked my eyes open to an email message that lifted my spirits and unanswered questions have some resolution.

A feeling of hope has come alive. I have a purpose, there are situations that happen in my life that I have no control over. The feeling of wonder always lurking & ever so present. With a deep breath, I will take this journey.

I have not asked those that I’m speaking of permission to reveal them, so until then just know that my heart will be open, non judgemental, objective, patient and as caring as I know how.

Some say that: some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, but honestly I have faith now that he was listening. I will not question his timing, I will be understanding, & open to the love that’s coming.

I am no longer the family joke! I am strong, I am brave, I will be unapologetic but tactful ~negative input will no longer have a home here in my heart!

I can’t shake, type & cry… so until next time

This is the story of the terrifying spider that interrupted my bath time. I sometimes wonder how it really went but to even think of asking my dad his version, would just be embarrassing at best. Someday I will ask but it won’t be today……..

Let’s see~ I will start with a simple thought of a night when I was young and we lived in Buffalo New York.   I was told to go upstairs & take a bath. You would think that this was a simple task for a young girl. I remember, going up into the bathroom with every intention to take a bath. I started to fill the tub with really warm water. I left the water running so that it will fill to my comfort. I stepped out of the bathroom, went into my room & as mindless children so I forgot the water was running, while playing with what toys I am sure at the time were my favorites. 

Somehow, through my playing I heard the first holler from downstairs reminding me that a bath was needed. Well, I remember going back into the bathroom, & turning off the water observing the bath water was just at the perfect level for me… & there it was…….. A spider… I was frightened at its size… just huge just doing its spider thing…. it was the largest daddy long legs I had ever seen. I was overwhelmed with fear!  I was petrified to get into that tub… no way was I doing it…. standing there with a towel wrapped around me I quietly went into my room thinking if I just wait awhile this creature would travel somewhere possibly anywhere other than were I had to take a bath. well I crawled up on the end of my bed & curled up in my towel & the blanket folded neatly at the foot of my bed. As I lay there thinking, ok so when I sneak back into the bathroom this spider would be gone…

Then, as if the sandman had conked me over the head, I drifted off to sleep, thinking when I go back in there that disgusting spider would be all gone…  & praying my parents wouldn’t catch me dozing off & I will take my bath & all will be ok… but Oh no~ My Dad came up & oh man I was in for it… “what do you think you are doing?”   yikes! I woke up to a start… and his face was so stern & annoyed at my not following a simple instruction, like taking a bath… his reaction was as if, I didn’t like bath time… little did he know that up until that day~ bath time was awesome…. my own little water world… He stared at me as if I was Satan’s spawn. He was really mad! As I sat there thinking why is he so mad?  but it will be OK~ I will just explain that there was a spider of gigantic proportion & he will understand, I will be OK… fat chance my explanation infuriated him… I had no recourse, he went & got this short handled brush & was very clear that for being defiant I was getting a spanking~ & as soon as the spanking was over his was clear that I was not only going to take a bath in the cold water but I was going to remove the spider by myself… with a butt completely on fire, I explained that he had to see how big this enormous spider was, and in my mind he would be sorry for giving me a spanking!  Oh ya that was the thought in my head… oh lord when he saw the spider not only did he laugh but then he was even more angry. I was so sacred. I was instructed to kill the spider & them take my bath & I’d better be quick about it… 

 I remember hucking the soap at it & missing and a few other random things, that of course as if that damned spider had a force field around it.. missed completely!  Oh but then I had a brilliant idea… I would use a face cloth~ soaked with water. I could fling it like a frisbee & then that would be my chance to wash really quickly & this 

whole ordeal would be over… it took a few throws but I finally killed that frickin horifying creature’s butt. 

Thinking about it now, I remember the visceral reaction I had to those twitching long legs floating around in the water, it still makes me cringe. I sat at the back of the tub in fear for them touching me… makes me totally nauseous.   Hence, to this day I have a huge issue with spiders. Hmmm I wonder why?  

This simple little story may sound simple to some but you would think it wouldn’t have left such an impression in my mind. All I wanted was my Dad, my hero to just go into the bathroom & remove the troublesome creature & then life would be serene.  

This memory cam to me the other day, when I was with my son Alex. He was preparing to mow a small portion of lawn. He looks at me and says, “Mom don’t move!” I’m like, “WHY?”  abruptly, “just don’t move” I look over near the edge of the porch & this massive, nasty fury gigantic tarantula looking thing sit sitting there, like it’s looking right at me,… remember my friend that you killed… I had this sinking feeling in my stomach, like I was going to throw up.. well, here I am….    & boom Alex smashes it…. All is right in the world, lol Thank you Alex!!!  

Until next time…

As I sit here thinking of all the reasons why I have chosen to stop talking to you… I wonder does anything matter in your mind?  for years why did I have the constant need to explain my point of view? did or does my point of view even matter to you? why have i spent so much of my life trying to please you?  why have I constantly sought you validation or approval?

It’s playing over and over in my mind, all the stories you have told to various people in my life & yours, that are mostly fabricated declarations of your version of my life. There have been so many different things…. as far back as how I came to be here…. How you didn’t help Dad telling me he wasn’t my father. How many people that were told in my circle of friends, there wasn’t a stone unturned regarding all the slanderous things that would shade my character. 

Where and how do I start that list? The twins babysitter in Arlington & even Evey (my best friend at that time), Denise, Penny, Whitney and let’s not forget Craig & Kathy, oh and what about Sandra? You told these things so much that Amanda & Jack even joined in believing the non- sense… I think took place with pretty much anyone that would listen to you…. I am so tired of telling my side of the story (my truth) but know this, I will reach them in my own time whether it be in a day, a year or even many years from now~ they will know & learn the truth. 

These stories so frequently changed as the wind blows…. I shudder to think the lies that were told. It was needless and unwarranted… & even as my children grew up exposed to your antics & non-sense. Always so subtly shared ~they should Never have been exposed to you or privy to hear any of your stories. I can imagine the faces you’d make…. Rolling your eyes at my kids at the very mention of my existence.  

I’ve listened to the things you have shared & I often wonder how as a mother you could have done that to me?   Deep down, I believe that you should never have been a mother yourself. I wonder how you look at your own life & I wonder how differently your life would have been if you never had any children.  I speak only for myself when I say this!

Look at your life now & name how many of your own children talk to you… & if they do, what is the purpose? Think to yourself, ask yourself does it fit a purpose or does it have some opportunistic cause? what kind of deep loving relationship do you have with any of them now? I count maybe one~ Amanda…   And after all these years, you are working on your grandchildren… give it time you will make them all hate you too…. it’s amazing really! 

I have started this letter over and over again so many times with the hope that one day I will write it with no anger or malice in my heart…. Nope, I’m still not there yet! Each time the frustration, betrayal and anger hit my shoulders like a to of bricks.

Words are a powerful gift, i try to use mine wisely, reliving all my memories~  my pure anger makes its way through with constant awareness that it should not become hateful or vengeful.  

I sit back & ponder as I  watch the devastation you’ve created. No amount of distance,space, or separation I try to place between us, it never removes the pain and sadness you have created in me. You can’t possibly fathom the sheer disgust or disappointment I have when I have to refer to you as my mother sometimes. I utterly despise making the connection. 

I do however look at moments in my life, there were some true moments of clarity and sincerity. They were very few and far between! I truly believe that the best life lesson that you have taught me is, how NOT to be a mother & parent.

On my own, through trial and error, I have become a mother that my children love & can be proud of. I have helped to teach them how brilliant they can become as wonderful, intelligent, fantastic loving individuals! I enjoy spending as much time with them as I can, so they can learn what kind of person I really am inside. Who they think I am, and who I am becoming… 

They are old enough now to understand & figure out who I am, all on their own. On so many levels you have made my choice easy by removing you from my life, believe me I am truly grateful! so thank you! I think one day you’ll realize that the world does not nor has it even revolved around you. You are not the ultimate center of everyone’s life. 

It’s hard for me to refrain from calling you a Drama Queen/ Drama Whore! That is the best explanation, and it’s just plain sick! 

Let’s look at the scenario of who my father is… wow two names really? I’m amazed that you even let those words slip from your mouth… and honestly what does it make me think of you? huh, where do I begin? on so many different occasions, that story has changed… do you even know… who is he? Was he someone that you danced for? was he someone that paid you for a private party? where you hurt? were you raped? was it a man that was married? What is the big secret anyway? Why are there times that you became so physically enraged by the subject being brought up?  you have even attacked me over this subject telling me that I am prying and that it’s your life, that its none of my business… well hello it very much is my business, I didn’t get here by osmosis… I came from somewhere & you are the only one with the answers!!

Remember I never asked to be here, so I have every right to ask & know…. this all brings me to think, why don’t you stop sitting so high up on your throne of self righteousness & let the cards fall where they may & just be done with the whole mess…. you proclaim to my kids that you are so wonderful… don’t you realize that they see you differently because you won’t just come right out and tell me.

Why do you carry so much resentment for me?  do I look like your mother so much & you hate her for giving you away?  do you hate me for the choices I have made, that you choose to lash out in ways only you know how?  All those years ago when I left Luis & had an affair… do you hate me for that because you did it too? the only difference between us, is that I thought my husband didn’t love me anymore, I didn’t think my kids needed me because I spent so much time giving your bullshit weight in my head…

Ya, I actually thought that deep in my heart…. what was your reason?  I thought the best resolution to my problem was to give my husband exactly what he wanted & our children… the only choice that made sense.. but remember that reason had its flaws… I only agreed to that because I thought it would be best for him & them to be raised with your help ( what the fuck was I thinking?) because moving them to Lawrence would potentially place them in horrible circumstances or make Daniel & Alex turn out to be criminals, drug dealer, and possibly make Toni look at being a prostitute….. Hell NO!   we all knew that was not an option… and again, I knew this would also have its consequences but at least my kids would be with their dad, loved & safe. The other serious consequence, was them being around you! All my choices have had repercussions… I live with mine & know that my children turned out well! 

When it comes to you & I, I have always felt this twisted & sick competition… believe me I see now that I am stronger & more talented that you can ever imagine…. I look at my sacrifices & know that I did what I could at the time, right or wrong they were my choices to make… I have the internal & external scars that show on my face.

No matter what light you try to shine on my life toward the negative, I can always find a situation within your life that will make you look worse…. need I say bartender and go go dancer? Hello?  these days go go dancers are pretty much strippers! you don’t think that people are smart enough to figure that out? funny how you can’t seem to keep track of all the stories you tell and they always have a way of changing….

I need a break from all these negative thoughts, but I will be back!