Author: anne8991

Fighting demons today

Head is pounding

Ears are ringing

Mind is racing

Tears are falling

Memories play over and over

Doors are slamming

Windows breaking

Adults are screaming

Sitting alone but feels like an overwhelming crowd

The silence is far too loud

The air is so thick as if I’m going to drowned

My thoughts are a hole so deep I can’t claw my way out

Tells me the events of my life written across my face

Sometimes, I’ve looked at it & fallen victim to the lies I’ve allowed it to tell

Each line, freckle and scar that reflect a blemish resemble demons

I’m not worthy, I’m ugly, I’m stupid, I deserve to be punished, I’m a bad person

I need to resist & overcome but…

Sometimes, the bad stuff is easier to believe when heard over & over again

Playing like a broken record, skipping endlessly

Alone, I rewrite my truth

I’m the creator of this day and everyday that follows

I am fighting back

I own this mirror and what I allow it to say to me

I am no longer victim to horrible scaring events or evil intended words spoken

I am victorious and the sole hero of myself

God doesn’t create junk

I have worth & a grand purpose

I need no rescues

I have slain many demons

This mirror is by far my hardest

I declare this & so it is written

I have awoken!

Adults take responsibility

They don’t blame this or that

They face facts

Sift through things said, events, stories told…

If you are told of a situation, at that moment your gut tells you to believe it or if its bullshit

Hands down, your gut instincts never deceive you

Gut instincts go hand and hand with common sense

If it walks like a duck, waddles like one

It usually is…

Like I said, hands down

There is a point in your life that bad pennies always pop up.

At that point you have to decide if they are worth spending

You can pick it up

Or leave it alone

There is always a choice

You make the decision

Obviously, this is metaphorical

I was told once, by a great Man…. to create the period so I have.

On many things,…

I could bicker over the little things, or let them go.

I solely, am the author of my story!

Others have only been chapters within it.

What path I choose to take is mine.

I am not responsible for anyone but myself.

I refuse to allow others, to play roles they never should have had.

I am no longer going to punish myself for things out of my control.

My worth is paramount and unequivocally my greatest priority

If you couldn’t see it… shame on you

So ask yourself, what pennies do you pick?

And there you have it.

I’ve been hesitant to write these feelings because it will make them real.

I have fond memories of my Dad growing up.

Are you My missy monkey or mommy’s big girl? …and the tickling commensed….

I believed he hung the moon, and in some ways, he still does to this day.

After years of separation, one of my favorite things to do is talk with him…

Part of my favorite Christmas present this year! Just sayin

He’s open in conversation, and never makes me feel bad about my opinions even when he may not agree.

Reminds me of listening to him read stories to us when we were little.

He’s clear and concise and almost mythotcal in expression…

No matter how much time passes between visits or conversations, it always seems as if, not a minute has passed.

Recently, my biological Father has entered my life…. it will be a new journey and extremely difficult to express all my emotions.

I feel almost like a little girl again with my Dad emotionally holding my hand for this new adventure.

I’m blessed to have this experience after 49 years of life but apprehensive… there I said it.

While I am excited to now know the missing piece exists.

He’s finally here?,……someone that was presented, practically gift wrapped, seems almost like an accident.

…and to find out I’m half of a set of identical twins… my mind is exploding!

I’ve always dreamed about this…. but I’m being extremely cautious.

I feel like I’m on guard all the time…. shields are up, I’m on full alert… alarms are sounding full blast!!!

Make the ringing stop!

Its deafening…. believe me, I know deaf… I was born almost completely deaf.

I know I’m a very literal person but I’m down right petrified and I don’t understand why.

A side note- something that brings me comfort…..

My Dad gives the Best hugs & without hesitation always makes me feel safe.

Even sitting here now, with tears rolling down my face, I know if I call him… his soothing voice will be calming and everything will be ok!

My insecurities are at the forefront of my mind and ever present; fear of allowing my father in is terrifying.

While I’m happy to an extent, I’m overwhelmed with mixed emotions that I can’t explain.

And there you have it…

Stay tuned…

There comes a time in your life when you have to stop accommodating everyone else and focus on yourself.

No more excuses for anything.

No more accepting things that just don’t need to be accepted.

No more allowing others to dictate any aspect of my life that makes ME who I am!

I’ve had my fill of others placing their behaviors on me, I’m not the asshole whisperer.

Oh, I did that because you made me…. fuck that!

I’ve had my fill of others placing me responsible for the outcome of their choices and actions.

CLOWN!

Don’t do anything to be sorry for: write your true self into existence and trudge forward unapologetically!

I’ve had several conversations lately that have left me making excuses for those I’m talking to. Plain and simple- Fuck that noise!

I’m tired of the bullshit!

If you act in a way that makes me think “what the fuck?” to myself; Then I will separate myself from you.

If I’ve had to be so diplomatic that making an excuse for your bullshit is my only option; I will separate myself from you!

I will no longer base my choices on how the outcome will effect you or anyone; I’m not responsible for you, I’m responsible for ME!

If anything, I’m disappointed in myself that it took me so long to write it down.

I stepped away from this journey for far too long!

I am very proud of myself for coming back to my writing to let it out.

I’m back and with no more excuses…

Think it, write and be done with it!

Boom

Let this sink in for a second

Don’t play about the come up

Being all salty

Look, you mad because I was tired of the excuses

If you talked about it & had the momma cosign for it

Then be about it

Came here with Nothin & I mean nothin

& left here with somethin

Plus a fuckin attitude

I gave when I had nothin

& still kept givin

You played the facade like it was real & got shuffled

I am savage & always have been

You got lucky & mad

Again, it was clear from the start what it was

Talkin ya mess & that got you sent

No matter what position I’m in…. I will always come up

Bein all Salty… for what?

I’m happy for you but NEVER forget God knows what I did

So stop spoutin mistruths & be about what you should have been about for 6 or 7 years before me

Too little too late

& material shit never phases me

Your immaturity is shining

Like a beacon through a dark sea

Money & cars can be lost

Ride that shit til the wheels fall off

I elevated you, you didn’t elevate me

I want nothing but the best for you

Be very careful how you treat blessings

sugar & salt look the same

Indifference is my peace

Karma is a bitch!

Best believe…

I’ve gone over events in my mind so many times

Given chances for people to do the right thing again & again

People have come & gone in my life

Still the same thing becomes clear, I keep thinking each time just one will be different & I won’t be disappointed

Should I harden my heart? Be more cold & not take chances? Not give people the benefit of the doubt?

What lesson am I missing? I still put my heart out there for the mere glimpse of potential and possibilty.

Why do I keep getting so disappointed?

I do try to be a better person every day and yet here I am

Thinking it’s my fault. I take responsibility for my actions and still get the short end of the stick.

I know that if I remain true to myself one day I will reap the benefits of my efforts

Those I’ve been so giving to will still tell the story of how I was so horrible & its sad.

In my heart I know that my requests weren’t unreachable & those no longer with me, take away a piece of my soul that can’t be replaced.

I know they need to look into the depths of their souls & face their choices

Maybe the lesson for me was to continue to release them into the world peacefully with ideas of elevation

I hope that those become better for the next person they cross paths with

I pray my efforts for whomever were not all in vain…

I would hate to think that my kindness was just the stepping stone for their ideas to become better within but just not with me

I’m sure there are those that say I’m the biggest bitch this side of the Mason Dixon & others believed I was weak for always seeing potential & holding them to it.

I’ve been broken & defeated but never once was I user or blatantly cruel

I battle these thoughts which turn over & over in my mind

I guess this will go round & round in my mind until finally it will make sense

The last month or so has been an emotional rollercoaster.

I’ve been reflecting alot on everything

I’ve been there for people that have ghosted on me, failed me & been completely unsupportive

My birth family finds me, & I’m over joyed & one individual within them states that I’m out only to seek money

I’m humble and live a pretty simple life

I try to be a good person every day regardless of my obstacles

While I am struggling on an embarrassing level, I am not one to have my hand out

I dream like everyone to win the lottery, it’s to maintain existing financial issues & in no way to live in excess

The things I would do with winnings of the lottery would clear my debt and build a foundation

I would also give a foundation to those that would use that to create a base for themselves

It’s not selfish to clear your own debt first then pay it forward.

Its realistic, rational and responsible

I did play the lottery today & because the last few days events were unexpected I took the chance

There is only one way & that’s UP!

I will let hope float up!

God only helps those who help themselves!

I am blessed with 2 Dads. My Dad Bill helped raise & instill the foundation & I’m thankful & grateful for his love. My Father//Dad Don, helped to create me to which I’m grateful because without him, I would not be here. He never knew about me & After meeting me wants to grow & create memories.

My emotions are everywhere & I’m a mess.

Life is a crazy mixed up mess but I am thankful for it.

I feel I belong & I am loved!

Its hysterical that people don’t grasp the concept

What I do know, is this…

I’m not, nor have I ever been impressed by money or material things

What impresses me..

Being a man of your word

Doing the right thing

3 people come to mind

I will leave them nameless but anyone with a brain can figure this out (if you know me)

I take care of him while near death & I’m left in the wake of his selfish deception

He slammed into me like a plane hit the twin towers, leaving my heart, like ground zero in complete devastation

Or how about the ghosting one, that kept taking & treated me like a damn yoyo.. claiming I wasn’t doing right.. when I paid his damn rent 3 times because he wasn’t man enough to hustle

Or even better yet, hot headed central that thought he could appear with nothing & threatened to leave here grinching my shit in anger… & let’s not forget the acts of keyboard gangster bullshit… oh no that’s in general blah blah blah

All three of those people have life & bullshit confused…

All three I gave, while I had very little & Karma is a bitch!

All three did far too little far too late…

I don’t hate any of them, in fact I’m indifferent

I did the best I could & God was watching

I survived & my lessons have been learned…

All three can speak of what they believe is their truth

More power to them…

I was honest with all three & the choices they made, they will have to live with

I have a clear conscience & I wish them piece & happiness

Indifference, it’s a peaceful thing