Author: anne8991

How do I see things

Pretty clear is what I thought

But its not until you feel like a failure

That things become so clear

Its not like a rainbow

Or a kaleidoscope view

That makes the brain play a game

That is simply not real

Being a good person is sometimes just not enough

To gIn the respect from the ones that you try so hard to love

I give & i give

& feel like I am falling short

& then realize I am doing too much

& others become lazy

Leaving so comfortable in all that i do

My actions become so relied upon

That they don’t think or do for themselves

I know I’m extremely hard on myself

But from now on

They have to fend for themselves

Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m enough

Full well knowing I should trust my gut

1 little step at a time is all i can take

So from now on

Self love is my primary focus indefinitely

Of all the non responsible people around me

Only thinking of themselves kind of people

Blaming everyone else people

Selfish people

I was told today that I’m always angry

I’m not fun to be around

Everyone walks on eggshells because of my attitude

Wow what the bloody fuck

Noone else cooks

Or even attempts to try

Noone else cleans up after themselves or Bella

If there is a family meal, I cook it

& not a fucking soul thinks about doing the dishes

I’m told they do but in all reality noone does

I’m told I complain about everything

Are you fucking kidding me?

Not a soul but myself notices that a sink of dishes can start to smell?

Oh that’s right, I complain about everything!

Think about that? How fucking long do dishes need to sit in a sink before they smell….. just curious, how long?

I tookk this job bc I need to support my shit

This job is hard & physically difficult

But I’m an asshole bc I need to sleep so much to recover

I’m so beat the fuck up that I sometimes leave my coffee cup on the side table..

OK, I take that but if you can form your mouth to bitch about it…

Why leave it there instead of placing it in the sink?

Oh that’s right… if ya fucking ass can’t help clean why in fuck sake would putting a muthah fuckin cup in the sink make sense? Duh

Shmfh,…. pathetic honestly

This asshole claims to be grateful after all the household shit I’ve fixed

Porch redone, flowers front & back planted…. the deck, power washed,, stained & carpeted…

Oh I took off $500 of your rent

Mother fuck you & your rent

Selfish bitch, that shit easily would have cost her $2500 up 6,000

All the foam molding everywhere to stop bugs from getting everywhere too…

Rearranging and cleaning out the entire garage…

Oh let’s not forget the new fence door rebuilt for the side fence….

There really no give & take

Selfish ass taker, only thinks of herself as always

Like your doing me a fucking favor

The disgust runs deep

She told me today that I’m pathetic for being 50 & living with her

Funny she never said that shit about Luis

This opportunistic selfish muthah fuckah plays into whom ever can fit into her selfish ass plan

Funny she was ok with Luis until he got caught fucken Jenny in this very house

Then she kicked him out

Looking back on this shit

All I can do is shake my head

I will do my best to make it through

Not to take things too seriously

To just breathe

To be ok with what I can’t control

Let life happen

Be on the moment

I tend to be too serious

Trying to keep things in functional order

I need to let things go

Go with the flow

Be more patient

I’ve been letting too much get to me

Letting people stress me out

Becoming too depressed

My body is so sore from this job

& all I need to do is relax

If people don’t want to be in my life

I’m allowing myself to be ok with them going

Its like grieving

There are many stages

I’m getting better with accepting it

Being still

Freeing my mind

Not feeling quilty

Being accountable for myself ONLY

Truly practicing self care

Loving myself enough to be at peace

Because I deserve it

So she was pretending the entire time

The only reason she ever called was to tell me the bs that was going on with her

Not even once do I remember her calling to ask how I was, or anyone around me for that Matter

Her trip to TX was to chase a guy that didn’t even want her

Traveled all the was across TX to peek a glimpse & not even 1 was had

All the while telling me was to catch someone if you want them bad enough

Showed me how to post fake posts

Take pictures & alter times & places

Always make me give her the side eye

How could someone be so conniving

I never did understand that about her

Looking back now it pretty clear

Then one day she calls to say there was a new guy

How he’s a counselor & she’s changed

Hmmmm, nope same girl just a different game

I never understood how she could talk so poorly about his children

That always made me crazy angry

Guess it doesn’t matter now

She was never my friend at all

Acting like she was the authority on others like her

I should have listened to my instincts but I was being nice

Just to confim to being the enemy I though she was all along

I hear she’s married now

Some people just don’t get it…

How you got him is how you’ll loose him

& that story won’t be pretty

My pain is clear

I’m obviously grieving

My family is broken

Everyone chooses to separate instead of being collective

Solutions to problems have more than 1 path

Everyone can choose their own

Its their right

But not at the expense of diminishing others feelings

Being outspoken is a curse

Why does the one person not afraid to speak out get austrizised?

Bring the problem to the forefront

Don’t ignore what can be defused quickly

There is a way to speak with tact

There is a way to share without being offensive

It’s not about being right or wrong

It’s about expression & sharing

Daniel chooses to keep away to avoid drama

Alex now chooses to shield Daniella because he claims he’s protecting her

Between accidents surgeries & life altering events

Our family is impacted & is forever changed

These are the times we face

& I’m just so sad it’s broken

Nothing will ever be the same again

& there its is

All the pain for someone else to read

So I block & delete you intentionally

Don’t need to pass messages through my kids cause I don’t need to

You played games with my heart & the kids warned you

You had them lie to me so Fuck you

Ain’t no woman gonna replace me

Every attempt on her part will be complete failure

best believe & drops mic on that note

It is beyond my comprehension that he still feels so comfortable passing messages through the kids

Did he grasp delete & block? It’s not a foreign concept!

If your fake girl only knew the shenanigans you were pulling she’d have concerns but…

Then again after 30 years of being thirsty & buying your balls she gets what she gets….

Thirsty is as thirsty does…

Back to your actions that you are constantly called out on

Play innocent on a daily to protect your relationship

You’re a fucking fraud & she bought you

Stick with all the germs she gave you

No turning back

& I’m not crazy

What happened in the dark came to the light so eat crow

I’m emotional to a fault

& I’m ok with that

At least I’m not frontin’

Pure raw truth is what I’ve been throwing out

That’s the reason the kids are tired of hearing it out my mouth

You can’t call talking shit when what is said is the truth

Now get in that moving truck & get the fuck on

Fraud scoundrel

Quit smoking

Get my full upper & lower dental implants

Have a professional makeover

Host a foodie TV show & to meet Giada De Laurentiis

Write a book about my life

Meet Tiffany Haddish

Meet Celine Dion & Barbara Streisand

Swim wit Dolphins

Scratch 150 scratch tickets

Skydive

Visit Italy

Visit Ireland

Visit Australia

Visit France for fashion week

Visit the Empire State building (An affair to remember)

Go to Mikanos Greece

Swin in the blue water of Thailand

Meet the Kardashian & Jenner’s

Spend one night in the regis beverly wilshire

Shop on Rodeo drive

Own a real Louis Vuitton

Fly in a helicopter

I’m sure this will change but off the top of my head

I’ll be back

It’s amazing the way the brain works

Bringing you back & forth

From one experience to another

It’s like a slow motion movie

Walking you through all the things randomly

Pointing out happy & sad moments

Sometimes in succession

Others flash like your brain is having turrets

Blasting out certain events that replay & my brain rushes the emotions out of control

I used to revisit some past events & pay no mind

It’s like I was sociopathic & emotions were irrelevant

passing go & not needing to collect 200 dollahs

But at this point in my life everything effects me so hard its overwhelming

It’s like my heart is a runaway freight train

Every crack is like the San Andre’s fault line

I’m just sick of the replaying all the events of what he did to hurt me & what I have done to hurt him

I’ve struggled with thoughts of keeping him in my life regardless of the relationship

But the problem with that is he does things that cross the line

He acts & sends things that are inappropriate

Pretending like the intent isn’t intrusive & borderline deceptive to the relationship he’s in

I shouldn’t have to feel like I need screenshots to defend my position

Or to prove that I’m keeping my actions above board

Believe me, there are times that I wanted to flex & violate but I have not

This has been a never ending cycle

We talk, We argue then We share silence

After. Bit of time We both find something funny or reach out

& the cycle starts all over again

This has gone on for so long that it’s become normal

We have never we r had boundries

Never had a need to

We both have unintentionally & intentionally sabotaged relationships

All to the detent of other relationships We both have attempted to make successful

I guess when you have had this healthy/unhealthy

Subtlety toxic relationship

It is the common place normal

We reference movies that resemble how we are

There are three in particular

What Dreams May Come, The Story of Us, Its Complicated

I guess I always thought we’d be around each other, cordially or otherwise

We have always been a source of support for each other no matter what

This accident has just changed him

I know people evolve but he’s no longer pleasant

One of my emotional battles is coping with his abrupt personality shift

Reaction time is off

Conversation content always becomes inappropriate

& he takes absolutely no responsibility or accountability

I guess I just never thought he’d choose to move away from us all

Be rid of us all like a checklist of things to trash & disregard

I never expected to hear that everything about Our history was “Terrible”

The reality is that I’m feeling like I am in the process of the 7 stages of growing

I never thought I’d have to create a period

Our journey is really OVER

With all these emotions

I just wasn’t ready to stop that relationship

I’m forced to create closure

Bottom line, I’m just not ready

I’m forcing myself to accept that my feelings are ok

I’m trying to move on & he is no longer allowed to be a part of it

No turning back

Today a memory of her come across my news feed

As I sit here

I wonder do I miss her?

Or the headache that came with her?

Hmmmm, no not really

Do I believe that all the things she shared were real?

Was she honest?

I think not…

I think it was all a ploy because she was jealous of my friendship & loving memory of Renee

Honey, you could never be a shimmer of the friend she was to me

Obviously, that’s why she helped me see the real you

Threatening to kill yourself and rob your children of a mother

I’m glad I interviewed but thinking back it was never my place

I honestly should have let you be

Well, ya got close for a minute & then I saw you for who you really were

Throughout out friendship

I thought there was a connection

But as you claimed your sister said

You suffocate anyone around you that you could love

I think that Mary (the psychic friend) was a bunch of lies

To take my $ to pay for bullshit you needed

Feeding on insecurities

All for your own personal gain

While God is watching I pray all your deception

Destroys you because it’s what you deserve

See my face & remember

You will never have a friend like me

I hope it was worth it

Funny, how I’ve never written about you until now

I wonder why?

You’ve crossed my mind a few times recently

& then today the memory

Are you hexing me…?

I know, I know Renee….

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Lol

How you got it is how you will loose it

All of it & everything

Bye Felicia or should I say “Bye Gloria!”

I use it to make things easier to deal with

My poor self esteem

My insecurities

My sense of humor

My disappointment

When I’m asked if I’m ok

I answer, oh yeah I’m great

With a smirk on my face

I know I’ve made mistakes but there is no way in hell I deserve this

I know this too shall pass

I guess I’m just disappointed I’m not already over it

& there you have it