Author: anne8991

to grant myself the permission to be broken

to heal my own way

to be ok with my sadness

tears are healing

let them flow

let go of those that I painfully and desperately wanted to hold on to

I want the memories to stop replaying

I want the haunts to fade from my mind

I want people to apologize for thier wrong doing

I want honesty, truth & respect

I want to be at peace

I know I’ve given far more to others than I gotten in return

& know that Karma will crash full force

I don’t want to see the aftermath

I want no part of it

slivers of my past keep creeping in my mind

like a bad video game or movie

I’m seriously just wanting it all to stop

I am feeling like a failure

and can’t seem to have even the littlest things go right

but I am thankful and I do count my blessings

God, please let my mind rest

for the love

for the memories

allowing me to let you go

I love you

Good bye

okay perfect man

gentle and caring

with the wisdom of my father

the caring tone of my Dad

the strength to be with me

the perfect twist of him spoiling me while I am spoling him

grand gestures of genuine free-spirited love

my partner on a magical carousel.. my prince

a relentless tolerance for my Hallmark obsession

& my obscene love for food (total foodie)

moreover my popcorn addiction

my thirst for Christmas cheer, everyday of the year

my need to want to pay it forward everyday

cooking for others the sould foods I enjoy

& feeding the homless at Thanksgiving

the wealth to allow me to buy an unlimited amount of children’s gifts for charities

makes me feel like a princess

not a wimp that will cave in any argument

but will stand up to me when we disagree

he must be tall & handsome

& of course head over heels completely in love with me

we need to have matching wit

& unadulterated unapologetic savagery while elegantly sharing our sarcastic and comedic banter of vocabulary

does he exist?

is he out there looking for me?

will I be pining over thoughts of the airport…. while he’s at the train station?

while he’s being sultry…

acknowledges different cultures & checking out art, wine and cheese?

a traditional gentleman but rugged fannel on the holidays

pulling off a semiathletic twist of sexy and nerdy just for me

while not caring what others think and never letting anyone insult me

we have each other’s back unequivocally

hopelessly romantic geeks

but modern and kinda steamy

I’d love home to be a chef that could always surprise me

and let’s me assist in with culinary gourmet food tasting

we travel the world to romantic places

become intoxicated with the breath taking screeneries

where is he finding new things or is he searching for them with me

I’d love to meet him

has he already seen me?

will I step out of my comfort zone

will he be all I’ve ever dreamed of

when is it my turn

my sugar daddy/ daddy warblers type of prince charming

that sweeps me off my feet

with a romantic thoughtful woo’ing kind of love

someone not afraid to cook, bake, create, decorate be charming and unafraid of true love

I’m really ready bc I already love me

I want him to give me a home

will he?

as well as a smashing tree

wrapped up in cozy Jammies, sipping eggnog listening to Christmas carols, watching Christmas movies

to enjoy over the top tree decorating in any theme

is this all just a dream?

I feel lost, does he

do I cross his mind, like he does mine

is it worth going over the thoughts of him

that smile he was my blue M&M

that energy… sometimes just why

the headache is just not worth the call

the good times are meant to be memories

nothing is ever good after the failure the millionth do over

I miss his face…. goofy ass faces

I don’t miss his annoying tiraids

I just need to forget

its making me crazy

all the lies, for why

looking back none of it was real, was it?

I feel like a joke & again

the past is the past, I need to leave it there

hurt feelings seem to always be mine

erased pictures that he’d torn & burned

thrown away like they never mattered

like I never mattered

the flashy clothes, and changing styles

I miss being part of a bigger family

his bigger family

but they turned on me & mine like we were a virus

no faith, no understanding and worse the lack of empathy

he didn’t even try, I should have known better

the youthful have such big talk of dreams but no effort or follow through

the projects finished and some that were not

he never minded helping I miss that

saying goodbye is never easy

I could have been nicer & not yelled

but I was angry & meant what I said

he was all about himself

boasting about all the things he wanted, knowing I was struggling

without a thought I really trusted and expected him to be reliable

the mind plays tricks

the truth is always said in anger

& the mind remembering good times is confusing

the bad times were bad

good times were really good

it was really toxic

I was called an angel, & now a demon

I just couldn’t make it work anymore

they just said it was made my fault

just painful

I have difficulties saying things out loud

I give people far too many chances for fear of being rude

I fear saying things out loud for the fear of odd things happening

I no longer keep my mouth shut because silent suffering is a fear

I have hearing issues so saying things out loud is a form of control

If I miss someone and I say thier name they call or text

I just want to be happy “out loud”

I want someone to actually take the effort to love my truthfully, honestly and for God sake “Out loud”

I deserve being loved and being taken care of “Out loud”

ok so I wish it

I want it

and I’m waiting

So, I’ve constantly thought someday I’d get mine

I reflect on signs

I know deep down, doing the same thing over & over will not change my result

I’m simply a work in progress

I’ve been sent a sign

& I won’t ignore it

So, I’ve taken a deep breath

let my walls down a little bit

and I’m talking to him

His image, reminds me of a safe place

his texts are so sweet

calming & familiar

I’m not even sure why

texting to me, is like reading directly what’s on someone’s mind

this simple action, takes only seconds

he asked to read my writing

& as I write he is doing just that….

reading my pain, splashed all across these electronic pages

& like a breeze, I think of my Dad

I reached out the other day… no response which makes me sad

Funny, these 2 men have the same name

As I am writing, he is reading & I’m in shock

he’s presently reading my pain

I take a deep breath and talk to God

I know I’m being vulnerable

I’m taking this as a sign

I’m allowing someone to see me naked

I’m in shock

I’m honored, nervous and scared to allow that to happen

I’m unapologetically allowing someone to read my soul

I guess, I’ll just have to relax and see where this all will go

this will not be pleasant

it will not be over quickly

you will not enjoy this

you were not my king

I am not your Queen

for the idea of being into ONLY older women to be planted in my mind

I would expect you’d have SOME home training

but fuck no…..

Ya have to be reminded to shower

& wash your damned scalp

or brush your teeth

to think that the hip sway from side to side is more enjoyable rather than the classic slow stroke from back to front

on that alone, its not a spoon in a tea cup….. get the stroke right son

or to make little Willie jump & poke an ass cheek while spooning.. it is uncomfortable, seriously… all fucking night long?

childish and straight immature honestly

while attempting to be seductive, 1 stroke, 2 strokes & 3…. Jesus It’s not a rocket blaster… or a nail gun… slow down Hause… wtf

for a mother to constantly co-sign “he only dates older women!”

Jesus bitch, were they your friends? oh that must be why ya don’t have any… lord smfh

he didn’t learn bedroom etiquette either…. if I rolled over & tooted anything up it was so I didn’t have to look at ya…. (in my mind) Jesus get it over with…. and no funny business or I’ll knocked your fucking teeth out

wtf & for real why?

cosigned by a woman that can’t hug hello during Covid but can sure as hell smoke & drink & grind in my lap

when guttural growling through your teeth was an attempt at forcing your hand in an argument….

how hysterical with wide eyes my response

As you learned….. tone it down hauss- no I’m not phased….. & sit down

the attempt to bark louder each intended arguement…. calm it down young blood

this seasoned lady will ease you back with an eye brow lifted and a snicker before I ever show an once of fear

the claims of killing a man & affiliates in the bloods and the stories of fighting got me second guessing your manliness

if these are facts? why in every argument are you left crying like a bitch?

I’m so sorry, I’ll never leave you…. there is nothing in this world you could ever do to have me leave your side

oh but I’m supposed to tolerate the lies

So you say….. you didn’t give half-assed pipe to the quote unquote skinny stripper for a place to stay lol

all the while your playing best friend to a dude with a black man being linched on his chest… & fuckingvhis stripper daughter… & he let you? I’ll leave that right there

oh when you realized I don’t get jealous, that must have really messed with your mind

I realized you were only in love because you were homeless… noone falls in love faster than that!!!!

when I hold you accountable for your own actions & promises and your mad

the older women you dealt with sure must have been trash because I should never have had to retrain a thing

or tolerate the nonsense…

I’m certainly not going to stand for an arrest record with those charges

Dude, for real? online solicitation of minors? & you claim to be catfished?

& I’m supposed to stand by your side as you explain the story of how you got in that situation to begin with

Yes, I’m done… your family is only upset with me because I won’t “take you off their hands!”

they are clearly afraid of your temper.. I’m confused? what temper more like a temper tantrum

think about that…. I won’t stand for the nonsense you put out, & I’m the bad guy?

I’ll have material and jokes forever on that! jokes, jokes & more jokes!

I never should have uttered a word about…. . do some dishes or take out the trash… these are a given or mandatory hand over your man card, period

but you sure could sit back & be annoyed when you didn’t get some ass

am I missing a page or 2 in the life of You? …..I think NOT. you’ll be back sooner or later…

& normally I bank on this fact…. in time

Its the point if no return… You said “delete my shit” wish granted ~

& I meant that shit UNPLUGGED!

No, I’m not at my best & I feel like a complete failure but I never treated you like any other way than a potential life partner

I gave you the chance Hause & you blew it..

family memebers gave it less than a year….. I gave you a few too many options and nothing…

you just couldn’t Boss up

I guess now I can close that chapter for good

& here it is written and will be left as only I do

I will apologize for yelling but not for a single word that I said, peroid!

what I said is what I said & I meant that shit!

that the pain will one day subside

that things will not ever be the same

that no matter what happens I will always try to be better

those feeling deep down will always remain the same

no matter how close or far away… you’ll still be my purple tree

on a level that will be only our own

in a space that noone else can comprehend

its a mindset you have no knowledge of

our destiny and fate will collide again

as it was, it will be again

the paths we’ve taken have not always been the same

and experiences have not been the same

but what once was will come full circle

we will cross paths once again

I will not allow you to deceive me again

you will feel the fractured shards of my heart

what comes around goes around

I will be present to visibly see your Karma

with wine & popcorn see the end result

you thought it was over but its not

How do you find your way, when you’ve lost all the important pieces of your heart?

Renee had a way of making sense of it all

setting records straight & all with a smile

she never had judgment or evil thing to say

I miss her everyday

it never matter how much time passed

it was always right where we had left off

on days the warm breeze grazes my cheek

I know she’s there

when butterflies dances around I know she is near

when rainbows appear, I know she is sending me hope

I know one day it will all be ok

I know I fell down a rabbit hole

I know I’m having trouble finding my way

remembering her laugh sometimes brings me back

even with my lingering depression in the air

her memory sometimes brings me unbridled hope & sometimes peace

I miss you Renee, my life is missing your friendship

I’m missing the air I breathe

I’m not trying to be selfish and beg for time

but if I only had one more day

at least then I’d be able to say Goodbye

Depression is a demon

I’m having a hard time

I’m doing my best to keep it together

I’ve had those closest to me lie straight to my face

I’ve had them treat me like I’m crazy

treated me like I’m not worthy

treated me like my sacrifices are meaningless

like my pain isn’t worth thier time

In a room full of people I feel alone

my own insecurities has convinced me that having less than worthy people in my life was on because I didn’t want to be alone

so I’ve stepped back

given those folks nothing but space

I’m not being overly sensitive

I’m feeling genuine severe pain

its a simple as statements made without disregard for how I may take those words

I’ve been told that I’m fierce with my words

to be exact,,, “I’m savage!”

I’ve had my heart trampled on in ways that I’m finding it almost impossible to recover

to those I’ve hurt, I truly have made the efforts to make amends

to some close to 20 years worth

I chose to no longer hear your words of humiliation

but to hear my own of uplifting positivity & self encouragement

in this battle I am truly alone

I will NOT be high jacked into relationships

I refuse to let others falsify my truths

if you’re against me, trust me…

You have no place here

I will not be silent or turn a blind eye

but I will give you silence

you think about the words spoken the ripped through me like a knife

& if you don’t remember them, I will be more than happy to place them upon the table for you to dissect

chew back up & mull over alone, just as you made me feel when you said them

if you hurt me & now no longer have access to me, ask yourself why

its so hard not to throw out names & lay peoples bullshit bare

believe me its coming

play with me if you want to…

I’ll bust that can of worms wide the fuck open

the aftermath is all on you