Author: anne8991

I had hoped to help elevate you

For years I thought I had

It’s a painful realization to know that someone I invested into so caringly

Could play in my face

Not take full accountability for risking the US and my health

And the only statement made was “it wasn’t intentional “

Utter bullshit

All while giving such attention to others & risking my boundaries so carelessly

It was intentional by giving yourself to others intimately & so recklessly & lying about it

A 30 minute debate until you admit the truth

I use this, a drawer full of that, I doubled up, but the timeline

You’re not sorry

You’re careless, reckless & my inside op

Manipulating to keep in my circle

Sad that the test result forced you to submit the truth

All while being an energy vampire

Trying to relay how good of a person you are… delusional really!

Had you not learned anything for all the colossal mistakes already made?

No growth, no progress, just stagnation in toxicity

I will never look at you the same

I hear it over & over

“I don’t chase nothing !”

blah blah blah

Deception lead you to infection

How’s that devil feel on your back?

As good as all the pumps to get to the nut

All that and the cost is infinite

So permanent that you couldn’t even see it

Nor did you care to

That all destroyed years of any bond we built

All that races in my mind

Now sit in that loss

I bet it wasn’t even worth it

Makes me nauseated

I can’t even look at your face

I look back at every supportive conversation, encouraging messages

Cheerleading like a fool

What a waste of my effort, my time, my spirit, my energy

I had tried to show you a better way

But I appreciate I finally see the real you

No mask, no pretending anymore

I would never have done any of it to you

But I guess you can finally make Mommy happy, you’re free of me

Back to that broken, toxic bullshit atmosphere you’re used to

Free to be yourself

Just remember you can’t live life hurting people

And not pay the price

That Devil’s contract is deadly

& you signed on the dotted line

So free & easily

The grass isn’t greener but in time you will see

Pat yourself on the back tink tink

Your greatest loss was me!

I hope you feel in in your chest

The Devil has you on your knees

Tortured by the pure memory of me!

I am humble but I’m top tier

Absolutely no replacement for me!

Did you think those chances were endless?

I went against every instinct & intuitive thought I had to support you

Ask yourself, what did you really contribute?

Scroll back through all the texts & observe I knew every move

I called it every time

Wierd as hell

Out there being slick, moving fowl

Betraying a friend on purpose & couldn’t help but play in my face

Save the “I miss & love yous!”

That wasn’t what you thought while every pump lead to a nut

I’m over here sitting in the pain of betrayal

Thinking, there is no way je could do this to me

I spent all that time thinking there was hope

All while you were lying “I’m not chasing nothing!”

But burnt my faith to the ground

In more ways than one

I’m not airing dirty laundry

I’m speaking my truth

In the silence….

Loving you continuously makes me look like a damn fool

But in truth, it takes looking like a fool to fool the fool that thinks they are fooling you

Constantly looking at new ways to help you elevate

Cheerleading like a damn clown

You drained every bit of grace I provided

And until I finally opened my eyes

To see the real you

This is who you have been all along

I’m not your battery

You’re a thief

In reality, you robbed yourself

Expecting me to consistently pour into you until I have nothing left

Chasing pebbles, when you had a diamond

Epic fumble, stink

I look back on that message full of apologies years ago

Thinking I wouldn’t remember that we have been here before

Last time you moved onto another & then spent a year in solitude

Talking about ” I realized my wrong doing then & it’s all my fault, I’m so sorry”

& like a sucker I believed you

I thought I could love all the pain out & show you a new path

One of honesty, generosity, integrity, faith, compassion & genuine unconditional love

Always saying have courage & be kind

Like a drain you took every bit of it like it was endless

All at your disposal

all my energy was there for the taking

Somewhere in your mind, gloating

She’ll never go anywhere

Just because I was silent, doesn’t mean I didn’t notice

& you snatched it up like a fat kid loves cake

You will look for me in every person you encounter in your life

Only to find that you will never find another to compare

It took loving you to finally love myself

I am a Devine angel on earth & God doesn’t play about me!

I never moved methodically to hurt you but I’m positive

Any other person you have & will ever meet will be as toxic as you

Congratulations

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes

Practically burned rubber on the street to get away from me

I need to do what I need to do by any means necessary

Not here you won’t & off you went with your lame as excuses

Couldn’t ever look me in my face

Tore out of here hanging your head in guilt

Or now that I look at it “In glory, thinking now I’m free!”

Tells me more about your character than you realize

All for what?

You burned me for someone temporarily

A pick me type of bitch that’s useless, an easy space filler with no soul or depth of character

I hope it was worth it

Grand prize, you lost me!

Or did I win because now I’m free?

Its not ok to hurt another person when you are in pain

Its not ok to blast them even if you think you will never face them again

Your private pain should remain your private pain

I’ve written about my pain

And lashed out at someone I truly have love for

To see that hurt on his heart

& in his eyes

& it Breaks mine

Even if this is a place to write my pain

Outing his mistakes should have been private & stayed there

It takes growth to acknowledge my error

I stand strong on forgiveness

I stand strong in my truth

But my intention was NEVER

To cause him pain

Being vindictive is not in my nature

Being spiteful is also not my nature

Doing that to him was wrong

I am remorseful

I always stress that you should never do something that requires an apology

And all I can do is apologize

Its a form of growth & strength

I can’t take back some things I have said & posted

But I can Apologize from my heart & pray in hits the heart I hurtW

With true intention

Rock solid with 10 toes down

Noone deserves to be humiliated

Noone deserves having mistakes thrown in thier face

I’ve lived a long time having that done to me

I know that pain

I have removed a public platform because of this pain

While I thought in my healing it was funny

It most definitely was not

I regret that hurt I caused

There is my lesson

To attempt to apologize is my blessing

Its ok if others talk about me poorly

Thier opinion of me wasn’t my business any way

I have to reflect on my actions

Endure consequences

& let go, and I hope he does too

In order to be completely free

To err is human

To forgive is devine

I express myself to seek peace

Saying sorry and truly meaning it

Is my only solice

Saying what I mean

And meaning what I say

We Can heal

I hurt him in a way

That was cruel

I didn’t mean to

I stand on that

Still loving him

His progress

His challenges

His successes

His goals

His shining smile

His ability to conquer

Resist defeat

Hoping his heart will heal

His apologies are healing

To my heart and peace of mind

Keep riding soldier

Like I ride for you

You got this

Still loving you ❤

You called after a long search

Claiming to finally find me

You should keep that same

Bs energy

Because I’m buying

Keep that same energy

You tried to get back in

All just to f@%

I’m not for it

Your mad

Bc I’m not tolerating it

I can miss the energy

But truly stay way

The f@$% over there

With your bad energy

Run the streets

Thats where you belong

Just don’t get caught up

In another pedo case

Stupid is as stupid does

Do better

This memory of you is resurfacing

Its not pretty or even pleasant

You did what you did

I said what I said

I once asked you to stay away from making me survive you

And that is exactly what you did

As my tears fall i say good bye

i love myself enough

to remain uncompromised.

Should I try again

Or finally

Force myself to say goodbye

you’ve been my heart & soul

for my whole life

but the thing is

the piece i will never understand

why do I fight so hard

to prove my worth

to you

always talking to me like I’m inferior

always questioning my ideas

making jokes about my feelings

when you should know

you’re my strength

& my ultimate demise

You’ve had my heart for so long

I’ve never been able to reclaim it

to me… the description of your love

is like the Trojan horse

that released humiliation, deception & superiority

& destroyed my faith in love

leaving me fighting for a position

in my own life

one that was rightfully mine

one that was in my possession

one I already had

I fought to fill a role that was mine

that role is still mine

for years I’ve fought to prove myself

& regardless of the outcome

I simply let you go

we are soulmates

destined to be apart

but we are miserable without some form of contact

I’m a queen, better yet a empress

its inside of me

I shine

I radiate my glow

I rise

Looking back on all that transpired is hard

After all yhe talks

Going over things we both did not want to happen again

I thought i was clear that being with you something i shouldn’t have to survive

In your eyes ifelt a renewal of hope & faith

The promise of truth & rejuvenation

I felt seen again

That spark of joy glimmering in your steps

I felt I had a new purpose

You shared promising ideas of future endeavors

A self confidence flowed from us both

And then the mention of cutting life short

It was like a dagger that cut through the connection

A true bond was being shattered

Friendship can be a bond as strong as a mother’s love

Those bonds can coinside

They can exist in a parallel plain

Intertwine in peace and harmony

So when the bond was broken, so were both bonds

The seed of betrayal began

With cunning manipulation

2 friends had a wedge of lies and deciept

She didn’t want us togethers

So why search through my shit

She wanted him with someone else, so he did

Why would my feelings be relevant

Looking for something to have him hate me for

I was loyal unnecessarily

Supportive to a fault

& she supported his lies & cheating and now is mad

Telling lies that I stalked him, wearing a pink hat

Supporting him being deceiving

All the while not realizing I saw his energy shift

Watching his actions predict

What would eventually reveal itself

Silly she thought the whole time I was confused

I was the money train, attempts at being used

I saw straight through all the bs and did things to make him choose

Forced to keep that toxic energy

Knowing in the end he would loose

My support, my love and my gratitude

For pulling my heart out of that shattered place

To return it back to that very same place

So as time passed and all the stories unfolded

I knew one day he would again, honorably to Take action

Reaching out with apologies

Of a hearts transgressions

With a simple apology all things can mend

Day by day I can see and feel

All the past melt away

Lifting spirits for both while hearts are healing

There will be conversations to be had

About hurt people hurting

I’m still trying to understand why

In the end what was gained by hurting me?

I know now, there is life after that….

Tbc….

There will always be that person

No matter where the journey leads you…

There will always be a bond

That noone can change

A simple conversation

With or without history

Makes you smile

Soothes the soul

And brings peace

Through heartache & joy

The bond will never be erased

Whether on the same path

Or distance be

My hearts with him

& part of his will always be with me

old or new

happy or blue

I gave my heart

to thyne own self be true

telling you the truth

makes my stronger

& cracks me up

just as much as our memories do

I wish I could say

that you would be there for me

as my health issue

completely terrify me

I know we’ve hurt each other

& the past can not be erased

but if it could

I’d give it my best

to wave a wand

and pain be taken away

because truthfully

you’ve captivated my heart

forever & a day

I know deep down

all things can be forgiven

but pride & stubbornness

stands in the way

I wish you the love

that would fill your heart

a love that somehow

was destroyed & tore us apart

we talk in my dreams

& always make ammends

though choices have been made

that lead us to living this life apart

but if someday we cross paths again

would it work in earnest

& set our souls a flame again?

ever mine

ever thyne

ever ours

rings in my mind

or until one day we meet again

my heart, my love & still my destiny