I was young & pure
but completely clueless
about relationships
with anyone & myself
not knowing what any of it meant
or was all about
fresh from a broken home
& all my safety & security
completely ripped away
I was lost
watching the 2 people
I loved most in my world
be in a devastating, unrelenting war
& then someone new
was introduced,
a new woman
I was truly confused
I was desperate to find myself
shed the pain & try not to feel broken
& then the move
being in a new city
being in a new life
which left me seeking
the interest in trying new things
I thought I knew it all
my eyes were pure
my heart was pure
never had real thought of boys
never felt to touch of a boy
& after a while
he came into my life
like a ray of sunshine
he was my brother’s friend
someone in the family circle
he made thing look so different
like a ray of hope
one to be trusted
a safe place
my eyes glowed
with every smile
& he showered me with interest
& I let him in
into my heart
we watched Tv
listened to music
cuddled innocently
for so long
built a trust
hand holding became normal
soft kisses became normal
hugs from him became normal
it was accepted & safe
it was all the trusted actions
I believed in him
trusted him implicitly
at first, visits from him were
hoped for but not expected
then visits came everyday
I was enamored unequivocally
his smile was my world
we shared everything
our talks of life
our dreams
slowly thing progressed
ever so naturally
there was a softness about him
his tone of voice so soft
his arms so tanned & smooth
soft petting became so familiar
I began to love him
I started experiencing things
I believed were ok
I learned of intimacies, that
at my age were so taboo
I never knew if he was coming… until
I would here the rumble of his car
& would become so excited
he really wanted me
bringing pizza & pepsi
doritoes and peanut M&M’s
were his thing
cuddling under a blanket
kissing, touching & exploring
& for almost a full year
more & more happening
never understanding I was too young
for that type of intimate involvement
I was head over heals
I was in a captivating love
obsessed with his touch
his expressions, his gaze
& after so long
building all that trust
how could it be wrong
the day came
that I skipped school
& ever so unkowledgeable
I returned his love
I was petrified
but I gave him
what I thought was love
shortly after he was done
I felt different, & uneasy but
I went with him to his house
we sat and had lunch
the very next day
he disappeared
I was crushed
my world had gone
I had foolish dreams
of having a dreamy future with him
even being so young
both my parents were right
& I was most definitely wrong
it was then that I finally believed
what my mother said,
“don’t share your body with him, because when he is done…. he’ll be gone!”
& she was right
he was…..
vanished like smoke
she told me not look for him
not talk to him & to just….
leave him alone
you won’t like what you will see or find
& after it all
she was right!
after some time had passed
I went to his house
with a love letter in hand
as if my written plea
would bring his love back
he hugged me
but I could feel it was different
our connection was broken
as he stepped back from me
hearing the knock on the door
as his old love stepped in
I stood there watching them hug
with smiles & glee
my love & my letter
were there pathetic
my heart & my love
lay broken & shattered
like slivers of glass all across
his living room floor
my tears burned my cheeks
as I walked home
that day
burning a whole
in my heart
that to this day have
never really gone away.
years & years later
an unexpected invitation
came to my inbox
he contacted me
I accepted the friendship
& I was given the chance
to express all those feelings
that were held bound up
way down in my heart
I released my pain
& we talked & we talked
but to this day, I remeber
that moment in my life
of pain that scared my heart
that pain has NEVER left me
& even though, I smile
& make a point to laugh & be cheerful
& as I write this very day
my tears stain my sheets
& sometimes tears graze
my pillows
I remember the sting
& no matter how many
I’m sorrys are said
or explanations are given
& sweet words shared
& following compliments
now are spoken
you can’t take back
the pile of ash
you made a choice
& left me broken
His name is David
Beauty Smiles 