if only

I could go through one day without spinning

thinking I’m failing because I wasn’t picked

or worth fighting for

did i fight hard enough

did I give it my all

was this just another failure

or a prayer answered when I sent my thoughts to God?

im trying to collect all my thoughts

I want to believe that deep down I’m not a failure

but it keeps replaying

it all reality, I’m failing if I’d stayed

if I’d kept tolerating less than deserved behaviors & treatments

I’m not the failure

all of them are..

they failed me, completely

not matching my effort or loyalty

I did that once (& I swore I’d never do it again)