My thoughts

It’s amazing the way the brain works

Bringing you back & forth

From one experience to another

It’s like a slow motion movie

Walking you through all the things randomly

Pointing out happy & sad moments

Sometimes in succession

Others flash like your brain is having turrets

Blasting out certain events that replay & my brain rushes the emotions out of control

I used to revisit some past events & pay no mind

It’s like I was sociopathic & emotions were irrelevant

passing go & not needing to collect 200 dollahs

But at this point in my life everything effects me so hard its overwhelming

It’s like my heart is a runaway freight train

Every crack is like the San Andre’s fault line

I’m just sick of the replaying all the events of what he did to hurt me & what I have done to hurt him

I’ve struggled with thoughts of keeping him in my life regardless of the relationship

But the problem with that is he does things that cross the line

He acts & sends things that are inappropriate

Pretending like the intent isn’t intrusive & borderline deceptive to the relationship he’s in

I shouldn’t have to feel like I need screenshots to defend my position

Or to prove that I’m keeping my actions above board

Believe me, there are times that I wanted to flex & violate but I have not

This has been a never ending cycle

We talk, We argue then We share silence

After. Bit of time We both find something funny or reach out

& the cycle starts all over again

This has gone on for so long that it’s become normal

We have never we r had boundries

Never had a need to

We both have unintentionally & intentionally sabotaged relationships

All to the detent of other relationships We both have attempted to make successful

I guess when you have had this healthy/unhealthy

Subtlety toxic relationship

It is the common place normal

We reference movies that resemble how we are

There are three in particular

What Dreams May Come, The Story of Us, Its Complicated

I guess I always thought we’d be around each other, cordially or otherwise

We have always been a source of support for each other no matter what

This accident has just changed him

I know people evolve but he’s no longer pleasant

One of my emotional battles is coping with his abrupt personality shift

Reaction time is off

Conversation content always becomes inappropriate

& he takes absolutely no responsibility or accountability

I guess I just never thought he’d choose to move away from us all

Be rid of us all like a checklist of things to trash & disregard

I never expected to hear that everything about Our history was “Terrible”

The reality is that I’m feeling like I am in the process of the 7 stages of growing

I never thought I’d have to create a period

Our journey is really OVER

With all these emotions

I just wasn’t ready to stop that relationship

I’m forced to create closure

Bottom line, I’m just not ready

I’m forcing myself to accept that my feelings are ok

I’m trying to move on & he is no longer allowed to be a part of it

No turning back