As I sit here thinking of all the reasons why I have chosen to stop talking to you… I wonder does anything matter in your mind? for years why did I have the constant need to explain my point of view? did or does my point of view even matter to you? why have i spent so much of my life trying to please you? why have I constantly sought you validation or approval?
It’s playing over and over in my mind, all the stories you have told to various people in my life & yours, that are mostly fabricated declarations of your version of my life. There have been so many different things…. as far back as how I came to be here…. How you didn’t help Dad telling me he wasn’t my father. How many people that were told in my circle of friends, there wasn’t a stone unturned regarding all the slanderous things that would shade my character.
Where and how do I start that list? The twins babysitter in Arlington & even Evey (my best friend at that time), Denise, Penny, Whitney and let’s not forget Craig & Kathy, oh and what about Sandra? You told these things so much that Amanda & Jack even joined in believing the non- sense… I think took place with pretty much anyone that would listen to you…. I am so tired of telling my side of the story (my truth) but know this, I will reach them in my own time whether it be in a day, a year or even many years from now~ they will know & learn the truth.
These stories so frequently changed as the wind blows…. I shudder to think the lies that were told. It was needless and unwarranted… & even as my children grew up exposed to your antics & non-sense. Always so subtly shared ~they should Never have been exposed to you or privy to hear any of your stories. I can imagine the faces you’d make…. Rolling your eyes at my kids at the very mention of my existence.
I’ve listened to the things you have shared & I often wonder how as a mother you could have done that to me? Deep down, I believe that you should never have been a mother yourself. I wonder how you look at your own life & I wonder how differently your life would have been if you never had any children. I speak only for myself when I say this!
Look at your life now & name how many of your own children talk to you… & if they do, what is the purpose? Think to yourself, ask yourself does it fit a purpose or does it have some opportunistic cause? what kind of deep loving relationship do you have with any of them now? I count maybe one~ Amanda… And after all these years, you are working on your grandchildren… give it time you will make them all hate you too…. it’s amazing really!
I have started this letter over and over again so many times with the hope that one day I will write it with no anger or malice in my heart…. Nope, I’m still not there yet! Each time the frustration, betrayal and anger hit my shoulders like a to of bricks.
Words are a powerful gift, i try to use mine wisely, reliving all my memories~ my pure anger makes its way through with constant awareness that it should not become hateful or vengeful.
I sit back & ponder as I watch the devastation you’ve created. No amount of distance,space, or separation I try to place between us, it never removes the pain and sadness you have created in me. You can’t possibly fathom the sheer disgust or disappointment I have when I have to refer to you as my mother sometimes. I utterly despise making the connection.
I do however look at moments in my life, there were some true moments of clarity and sincerity. They were very few and far between! I truly believe that the best life lesson that you have taught me is, how NOT to be a mother & parent.
On my own, through trial and error, I have become a mother that my children love & can be proud of. I have helped to teach them how brilliant they can become as wonderful, intelligent, fantastic loving individuals! I enjoy spending as much time with them as I can, so they can learn what kind of person I really am inside. Who they think I am, and who I am becoming…
They are old enough now to understand & figure out who I am, all on their own. On so many levels you have made my choice easy by removing you from my life, believe me I am truly grateful! so thank you! I think one day you’ll realize that the world does not nor has it even revolved around you. You are not the ultimate center of everyone’s life.
It’s hard for me to refrain from calling you a Drama Queen/ Drama Whore! That is the best explanation, and it’s just plain sick!
Let’s look at the scenario of who my father is… wow two names really? I’m amazed that you even let those words slip from your mouth… and honestly what does it make me think of you? huh, where do I begin? on so many different occasions, that story has changed… do you even know… who is he? Was he someone that you danced for? was he someone that paid you for a private party? where you hurt? were you raped? was it a man that was married? What is the big secret anyway? Why are there times that you became so physically enraged by the subject being brought up? you have even attacked me over this subject telling me that I am prying and that it’s your life, that its none of my business… well hello it very much is my business, I didn’t get here by osmosis… I came from somewhere & you are the only one with the answers!!
Remember I never asked to be here, so I have every right to ask & know…. this all brings me to think, why don’t you stop sitting so high up on your throne of self righteousness & let the cards fall where they may & just be done with the whole mess…. you proclaim to my kids that you are so wonderful… don’t you realize that they see you differently because you won’t just come right out and tell me.
Why do you carry so much resentment for me? do I look like your mother so much & you hate her for giving you away? do you hate me for the choices I have made, that you choose to lash out in ways only you know how? All those years ago when I left Luis & had an affair… do you hate me for that because you did it too? the only difference between us, is that I thought my husband didn’t love me anymore, I didn’t think my kids needed me because I spent so much time giving your bullshit weight in my head…
Ya, I actually thought that deep in my heart…. what was your reason? I thought the best resolution to my problem was to give my husband exactly what he wanted & our children… the only choice that made sense.. but remember that reason had its flaws… I only agreed to that because I thought it would be best for him & them to be raised with your help ( what the fuck was I thinking?) because moving them to Lawrence would potentially place them in horrible circumstances or make Daniel & Alex turn out to be criminals, drug dealer, and possibly make Toni look at being a prostitute….. Hell NO! we all knew that was not an option… and again, I knew this would also have its consequences but at least my kids would be with their dad, loved & safe. The other serious consequence, was them being around you! All my choices have had repercussions… I live with mine & know that my children turned out well!
When it comes to you & I, I have always felt this twisted & sick competition… believe me I see now that I am stronger & more talented that you can ever imagine…. I look at my sacrifices & know that I did what I could at the time, right or wrong they were my choices to make… I have the internal & external scars that show on my face.
No matter what light you try to shine on my life toward the negative, I can always find a situation within your life that will make you look worse…. need I say bartender and go go dancer? Hello? these days go go dancers are pretty much strippers! you don’t think that people are smart enough to figure that out? funny how you can’t seem to keep track of all the stories you tell and they always have a way of changing….
I need a break from all these negative thoughts, but I will be back!
Beauty Smiles 