For the love of God, she calls herself a mother…. Why? I have asked myself this question so many times, it is almost like the title itself makes absolutely ~no sense. What kind of mother is she anyway? What kind of mother puts a price tag on love? What on earth made her so blatantly calas to her own daughter? Yup~ that’s me~ she’s actually done all of it & with no remorse~ I used to defend her, at all cost~ in the name of Jesus. That’s my mother & no one can talk bad about her… like she was the goddess & pure example of motherhood as if she was gliding down the runway at a fashion show, & then watch her in public with that fake ass smile & proud strut ( like a peacock) just flaring the feathers as if she was perfect. It’s like I came out & the Cha-ching dollar sounds started going off. Did she think that having children was like playing monopoly? I have this piece & I win this and that?
what kind of mother spends the better part of her child’s life shaming her, speaking so harshly to anyone that would listen & having everyone so convinced, that I am this horrible person? like it’s gospel, straight out the holy book & all about a child she created? Me!!!!!
I can’t even count the number of people that she has destroyed my character to, including all of my children. I used to joke that I learned to swear like her as if it was a grand prize The women made cussing an actual art form, a masterpiece of the most outrageous concoctions that existed. Ya, like that is something to be proud of… Holy smokes Batman!
I remember a time when all I wanted to do was be just like her, what in the holy Crustashions was I thinking… I remember watching her at family functions: where out of the clear blue things would come out of her mouth that would clear a room, no one would speak of it because if the words came out of our mouths to question there would be actual hell to pay! The venom that would spill rom her mouth would & could level an actual country.
I unapologetically speak of it, to set it free, from my mind, my heart and best of all to heal.
I have questioned things like; who is my biological father? & received answers like, “Why must you bring up my past, I certainly never want to revisit that.” At one point in my life I was given 2 names, Like that would miraculously shut me up or persuade me never to ask again. This subject has been a bone of contention for so long it’s become “A family joke.”
It’s been made such a joke that my 3 three children have actually stated (with her influence of course) that I should just be happy that I got 2 names. Like that was a blue ribbon winning pig at the farmers auction! “Hey mom!” they’d say, “at least you got that.” Hmmmm, really!
what in the bloody hell kind of mind thinking is that anyway? I’m angry, hurt, frustrated & just simply dumbfounded at the utter lack of human decency.
I used to defend her, what in the name of Lucifer was I thinking? , That’s my mother & no one can talk bad about her… like she was the goddess of all goddesses & the pure example of motherhood?~ It’s not like she was gliding down the runway at a fashion show, & then to watch her in public with that fake ass smile & proud strut ( like a peacock) just flaring the feathers as if she was perfect.
Its like my mind is racing so fast with all the memories I have in my head that there is absolutely no way that my fingers can keep up with all that I want to type,
Here is a great story~ & a perfect example of how my mother makes everyone else accountable for her poor judgement and actions… Making them the fall guy for her insensitivity & shitty character…. Here it goes nothing
I remember the time that my whole family was in the driveway to head out for a family vacation, which should be jolly fun, right?… & I’m sitting in the back seat, in the middle as I always did so my head would be in between the head rests of my mom & my dad.. Here I am & I have this great idea that I am going to ask my dad what happened at the hospital when I was born,
Ya~ you think this is going to be a cute story,,, ya know like all kids want to hear… He fainted or some crazy cute thing that always happens… ya uh no. I look at my dad~ “So dad what was it like when mom had me, you know when I was born”…. He’s silent & looks at my mom… “Ummm I don’t know I wasn’t there….” So I’m like, “ok so you were in the waiting room, waiting for them to let you in”… “Uh, no I wasn’t there”… “Ok so you were at the bar down the street having a beer, right… waiting for me to get here, right?” “Uhhhh no I wasn’t there”… The whole time he is looking at my mom… as if she was supposed to say something… Nope total silence..
I am a persistent kid & keep prodding to get the reason he is saying nope I wasn’t there..
“Ok so you were at work, right?… that’s why you weren’t there”… still looking at my mom & deafening distant silence. I turn to him again & out pops, “no missy I wasn’t there, I’m not your father”…
To this day it was like the entire memory disappears like smoke… I’m an utter blank… I remember most all of our family trips, bits and pieces anyway.
Nope not that one… I don’t remember the car ride, the normal stops for gas or even what great place dad brought us… it’s all a blank…. It’s as if that entire trip I’d gone blind.
I remember our trip to disney, I remember hershey park, yellowstone, swimming with manatees in florida, the trip to busch gardens.. But that trip, wiped clean, can’t remember anything.
As I look back with adult eyes, it all makes sense… I can’t even imagine what dad was thinking in those moments ~Jeez Jinnie could ya help me out here? I don’t wanna break this child’s heart. I have to tell her the truth because she needs to know, I can’t believe there is not a sliver of help for this question to cushion the blow, nope my mother sat in silence…..
I can honestly say that I even remember the look on his face as he told me, it was like he didn’t want to but couldn’t bring himself to lie. Again, it was like I completely blacked out after those words were said. I remember the car we were in, I remember the smell of grass. I even remember that it wasn’t even an extremely hot summery day, it was somewhat over cast, a summer day but not particularly hot.
Sometimes, I often wondered throughout the years if this wasn’t something she had planned on using later to hurt us both. How can someone’s mother, moreover my mother specifically be so eagerly pleased by bringing her child such pain?
Over the years the stories I’ve been told are all convoluted, they always change and never too many details but always with this undertone of deep resentment that I should never have even asked in the first place. I guess I will never really know her reasoning and I should be happy that 2 names given , right?
That’s it for now…. Until next time
Beauty Smiles 