Sometimes, it’s hard to think of exactly where to start. I am reflecting on the things that have changed my life in the pasted 2 years. I will start with Luis’s accident as I recall it, and the rest will follow…. If you think that reading this will hurt you, than please don’t continue reading.
I am Okay, with pouring my heart out into words. It’s a refection of who I am, and continue to become. I need to become the best version of myself, that I can be. I have let those who read it know that I have no malice, or ill intentions by sharing how I feel. These are My thoughts and feelings, this healing process is for me.
There are many people that feel or think they have the right to make judgement or criticize events that have happened between Luis and I. Newsflash, NOT so much! I have never been interested in the opinions of others, and still don’t to this day.
So, Luis has been in my life since I was 15, and has remained in it regardless of the roles we maintain in each others lives. There have been times when we were estranged, and times made the choice to continue Our journey together. When you have someone in your life, like he has been in mine, it is imperative when you have children or just respect for one another to remain in contact. You don’t always have to like their choices or even their actions, to be respectful.
The phone call that changed my life & my family: My phone rings and its very late, unusual & it went like this~ “Hey~ I don’t know where I am, I need you to help me, what are you doing? can you come, I hurt.” (He never says he hurts) Thinking it was a joke at first. I told him to call out, sitting through the torture of listening to him scream in pain felt like forever, until… a voice came to the phone. “Mrs Colon, your husband is in the ER, can you come quickly?” I looked at my daughter, scrambling in my mind how to tell her without panicking her, “we need to go to dad, right now he’s been in an accident.” In an instant, I called Daniel, “meet us at this ER, Dad is there, I have Toni with me & they will explain once we get there.” Immediately thinking, Alex can’t know until we have all the details.
So, I’m driving down 1960 with Toni to get to the hospital, and like a flash passing me is Daniel… I call him, UUmmm can you slowdown & turn around, You have passed the turn & I don’t want you in the bed next to Dad… We all need to arrive in one piece….
When we all first arrived, I could see confusion in Luis’s face…. who were we? Buddy? Baby girl? why are they calling me that? Through the frozen responses & the distance in his eyes~ it settled in my head that he didn’t have a clue who we were at that moment. The ER doctor & his nurse were clear that my phone number, was the only thing that he could remember.
When I kissed him on the forehead, a brief smile came across his face, & a tiny squeeze of my hand. He said, “I’m so glad you are here…. can you help me?” I’m thinking, it’s all gonna be okay. I had no clue at the time, what exactly had happened to him. After a short amount of visiting the ER doctor came in, to explain how Luis got there. “Mrs Colon, he is a very lucky man, if it weren’t for his size, this accident would have been fatal for him.”
I watched this man close to deaths door, to see the pain in his eyes and understand that he felt like giving up because he thought himself broken. He would continue to say over and over~ “I’m useless, I can’t do anything, how am I going to work….?, Everything hurts, I can’t move my legs, will I ever get out of this bed?”
After continuous prodding by the Occupational staff & my nagging to get himself going. He was very reluctant, to move, he was so angry that he couldn’t remember these simple tasks, that may seem so easy to others. These things troubled him, made him feel useless & broken. I know it killed his spirit to feel so helpless and vulnerable. He learned very quickly to have faith in his own inner strength, to trust his own body mechanics. The process of sitting up, rolling over & dangling his legs of the edge of the bed.
The relearning process for other things began, the pleasure in his face as he relearned how to brush his own teeth, shave his own face. The showering process was slower but, we got through it. He expressed many times, how embarrassing it was for him to have me to assist taking a shower, but to me it was easy, I felt like he saw me again, I finally felt like he needed me. I felt I had purpose for him again, & nothing in the world mattered! By being there for him and his healing was my entire world.
I can honestly say there have been times in my life where I have felt so invisible to him, but in these moments… Priceless~ everything was going to be okay! I would do silly things to make him laugh, and bring him things to make him smile. Oh & there were times when his smile was the only thing that got me through the day.
On the third day, when he was able to completely get out of bed, I found that he had been laying on pieces of shattered glass, from his windshield. His face still had small cuts, his chest, shoulders, arms, legs & all across his back still covered with small cuts. It was heart breaking to know that he had been laying on this glass for days because we couldn’t get him up any earlier. Never the less he was on his way to recovering, still here & with a will to get better.
It wasn’t until many days later, after occupational therapist session and his first walk with me down the hallway to get water that, He says’ “I want to tell you something, have you seen those videos of people getting out their wisdom teeth?” Me: “Of course, why?” Did you see the one, where the guy looks at the lady talking to him and says… who are you? and she says, silly I’m your wife! He looks at her with a huge smile & says; JACKPOT! Thank God! Me: “Why?” He says, that is exactly what I thought when I realized who you were! & that’s my Luis… charming, clever, lovable, completely vulnerable, and a side he rarely shows anyone!
The home recovery process lead us down very uncharted territory. I was not used to Luis being on any kind of pain medication, and the cranky that followed. Nor was I expecting him to use this in the future as if it would be okay, for him to behave irrationally. I had to keep reminding myself that these are all behaviors of someone that has suffered a very serious traumatic brain injury, including broken ribs, the lower spine fractures, a punctured lung and a blood clot in his leg. He was sometimes irritable and unreasonable, which is completely out of his character. I’m used to his playing music & singing and in general being a jokester in many different ways.
While in the hospital he displayed flickers of irritation but it was tolerable, then during his admission at rehabilitation stay as well. It wasn’t too too long before he came home & the real rehab began. The following months started out pretty well but were increasingly getting worse. At times, there were out bursts almost temper tantrums and the name calling. I knew some of it may happen but at times it was just unbearable.
Once, he was cleared to go back to work, things started looking better and better and his routine settled in. We were back to watching movies at the movies but mostly cuddling on the couch like we always did, going out to eat and most importantly spending time with our children as always.
It wasn’t until I started noticing every now and again, he would disappear for a couple days a weekend. I didn’t really pay it mind because he would come home off & on for a brief time and go back out. It was when he would be taking quick showers and change his clothes that struck my attention & Huge alarms were going off. What in the devil is he up to?….
Thanksgiving came and went, the Christmas…. He would always call me & ask me to run errands for him, no big deal right? One particular errand sticks out in my mind. He asked me to pick up some non-perishable food for a co-worker because his house burnt down. Telling me that he had children with a range of ages so, onto the task & I picked up a range of items. It took me a couple hours, so I brought them to his job. We had conversation, everything seemed normal until I was about to leave. Oddly, he wouldn’t kiss me goodbye~ My heart sank, I was clear & told him… what happens in the dark will come to the light, so whatever you’re doing will reveals itself!
Sure enough, just after Christmas I come across a post on facebook of all places…. Tears began rolling down my face & a pain in my chest that I can never describe~ I read ~ Luis is in a relationship with someone else. I called him, and don’t you know it… Yup~ is all he said. Like he had just bought a new pair of sneakers, not boastful not at all sincere, said without a care in the world ~ My heart is shattered as he confirms, he sure was… I just wanted to throw up.
It’s a damn shame that this man, I held so dear can rip me apart like it’s nothing. Family members didn’t share all those months because they felt t wasn’t their place. Everyone knew but me? OUCH! ~ just OUCH! I can say, from that very day until this day, right now~ I have good days & bad days…. the pain never really goes away. It all sometimes fades as I become occupied with whatever I maybe doing & BOOM, it smacks me right in the face!
I have tried to move on with someone else but all I did was hurt him because I’m not done healing myself. Hurting him was never my intention, Not ever! I will never be able to repair that. One day maybe he will forgive me? I thought I was ready, but truth is: I’m not.
I’ve heard, the opposite of love is hate~ I do not agree! The opposite of love, in my opinion is indifference, I am So NOT there yet. I tried to be okay with the whole situation but I will never support lies, deceit and family deception. I reached out to the new someone & tried to wish them well. Of course, with no response…. Funny, looking back now… she watched my facebook posts about Luis & I for months before I found out “The Secret” & boom, like a flash she disappeared from my friend list. How you got him, is how you will loose him…. truth be told!
He told me at one point, I told her it’s complicated between us (meaning he & I). She is different, she isn’t jealous, intimidated or scared of you. Why would those even be contributing factors or ever a topic of conversation between them to begin with….. Ummm HELLO~ First of all, I’m pretty damn intelligent & when you preface a conversation with that. Those are exactly what she is…. If he deceived me, then he will do it to her… case closed!
I will never understand the reasoning in his mind, that leading me on was an option~ That’s NOT okay! There is no excused good enough. I have gone through months of no contact, I’ve tried so many different things to put this all out of my mind. I will always question why he couldn’t just tell me straight out. Like I said before, over the years we have had many different phases of our relationship. For goodness sake, we were friends First! So, the misleading me thing just eludes me on so many levels.
Again, I put these thoughts regarding this particular subject is here as a tool to heal myself. My journey to regaining my inner strength is not up for discussion, so if you have something negative to say ~Kindly keep it to yourself. I am not going to apologize, feel guilty or amuse that input in any way. I am not obligated to shield anyone from how I feel, they are my feelings & thoughts to share as I see fit.
This is not to placate to anyone else’s distorted ego. What they did is what they did, they alone have to live with the consequences, which destroyed the dynamics of an entire family.
I have left a lot of the negative off because this journey is about my healing, my release and about my own self discovery. Things will get better in time…… I have faith!
That is all for now….. until next time
Beauty Smiles 